Jewish World Review April 23, 2002 /12 Iyar, 5762
Geraldo declares war on terrorism 'over'
U.S. Must Shift Focus to Robert Blake Trial, Newsman Says
Newsman Geraldo Rivera angered the Pentagon today by announcing that the war
on terrorism was "over" and that it was time for the U.S. to shift its attention to the
unfolding Robert Blake murder case.
"Not only is the war over," Mr. Rivera said in a report from Afghanistan. "It is SO over."
Mr. Rivera, who had earlier expressed an interest in killing Osama bin Laden, said
he was returning to the U.S. immediately to start covering the Blake murder case on
a twenty-four-hour-a-day basis.
"I'm sure that Robert Blake would love me to stay in Afghanistan, where I can't train
my razor-sharp investigative eyes on him," Mr. Rivera said with his customary
bravado. "Well, tough luck, Baretta."
Mr. Rivera, who made headlines by leaving his nightly program on CNBC to become
a pistol-packing war correspondent in Afghanistan, downplayed reports of continued
resistance from dug-in al Qaeda and Taliban guerillas.
"Whatever," Mr. Rivera said. "The question remains: Did Robert Blake kill his wife,
and what role did the bodyguard play?"
At the Pentagon, a visibly angered Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld used a
press briefing to dispute Rivera's assessment that the war on terrorism was over.
Referring to the now-notorious episode of the syndicated program "Geraldo" in
which Mr. Rivera had cellulite surgically removed from his buttocks, Mr. Rumsfeld
said, "Maybe it's time for Geraldo Rivera to have the fat removed from his head
instead of his a--."
JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2002, Andy Borowitz