Jewish World Review Jan. 22, 2003 / 19 Shevat, 5763
U.S. would accept exile for Hans Blix
Military action to remove Blix 'last resort,' White House hints
Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld hinted today that the White House would
be amenable to exile for weapons inspection chief Hans Blix in exchange for his
agreeing to stop looking for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
"Every time the U.N. weapons inspectors find some old warhead or something, they
use that as an excuse to say that the weapons inspections are 'working' and should
continue," Mr. Rumsfeld said. "All I can say to Mr. Hans Blix is, you've got to get up
pretty darn early in the morning to fool Donald H. Rumsfeld."
Many in the international community were confused by Secretary Rumsfeld's
remarks blasting the U.N. team, since the purpose of the weapons inspectors'
mission in Iraq was, presumably, to look for things.
But even as Mr. Rumsfeld's remarks rippled through diplomatic circles, White
House sources acknowledged that the Bush administration was considering
postponing military action against Iraq's Saddam Hussein -- and might use its
forces in the Persian Gulf to oust Hans Blix instead.
"War against Hans Blix is definitely on the table, but it's really the last resort," one
White House source said. "We would definitely prefer forcing him into exile, possibly
to some other world body like the World Wrestling Federation."
At the White House, Mr. Bush himself offered a stern warning to Mr. Blix and his U.N.
"I'm a patient man," Mr. Bush said. "But if you insist on continuing to look for things
you're supposed to be looking for, you'll see how quickly my patience runs thin."
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.
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© 2003, Andy Borowitz