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Jewish World Review Sept. 6, 2002 / 29 Elul, 5762

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Britney Spears' year off poses dire eco-threat


Pop diva's foray into painting, poetry could wreak global devastation

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Delegates to the United Nations' World Summit on Sustainable Development were warned today that pop diva Britney Spears' decision to take a year off from music poses a dire threat to the world's ecology.

South African Foreign Minister Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma interrupted a three-hour debate on hydrocarbons to voice his concern about Ms. Spears' impending year off.

Arguing that "history must be our guide," Mr. Dlamini-Zuma said that such pop stars as Paul McCartney and Jewel used their hiatuses from the music business to create amateurish poetry and paintings which were then collected in overpriced, oversized books at an incalculable cost to the world's rainforests.

While Ms. Spears has pledged not to create poetry or paintings during her year off, some delegates to the World Summit said that such assurances do not go far enough.

Instead, the delegates said, the United Nations should send inspectors to Ms. Spears' Hollywood residence on a monthly basis to determine that she does not possess paints, brushes, ink, or quills.

In other music news, "American Idol" winner Kelly Clarkson said today that she hoped to fill the bad-music void left by Ms. Spears' year of inactivity.

"I want to fill the world with the bad music Britney won't be making," the widely idolized Ms. Clarkson told reporters in Los Angeles.

Music industry insiders, however, were openly skeptical of Ms. Clarkson's ability to fulfill that promise.

"I have no doubt that Kelly Clarkson is capable of pumping out tons of bad music," said Chip Tennant, an A & R man for Reprise Records. "But she's no Britney Spears."

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author, most recently, of "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" and "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.

Up

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© 2002, Andy Borowitz