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Jewish World Review April 29, 2002 / 17 Iyar, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Kentucky Derby will be run on Saturday at Churchill Downs in Louisville with favorite Harlan's Holiday at 5-1. Last year, the track bookies registered a record $190 million in wagers. A racetrack is a place where windows clean people.

Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura said Friday he will star in a video game as part of his campaign for re-election. America owes this man a great debt. Jesse Ventura took American politics and raised it to the level of professional wrestling.

Saddam Hussein wrote a stage play entitled Habiba and the King which opened on Sunday night in Baghdad's famed theater district. The reviews were unanimous. We no longer need weapons inspectors to know they have a giant bomb on their hands.

The U.S. Senate banned oil drilling in Alaska Tuesday to keep from upsetting the caribou. This is way past ridiculous. President Bush will never be able to get rid of Saddam Hussein until the EPA stops protecting the endangered desert rat.

President Bush said Friday he shares a vision with Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. Let's guess what it is. In the vision they share, oil is thirty dollars a barrel, Saddam Hussein is dead and gone, and dad keeps them in the will.

Crown Prince Abdullah handed President Bush an eight-point plan for peace in the Mideast Thursday. Israel is extremely wary. Robert Blake had an eight-point plan to patch up his marriage, and points two through eight were burial arrangements.

Queen Elizabeth will celebrate her Golden Jubilee in June by going on TV and leading her subjects in the singing of All You Need Is Love. Not everyone likes the idea. Elton John doesn't feel the country is big enough for two singing queens.

Entertainment Weekly reports TV news ratings jumped in April. The Vatican is racked by a public sex scandal while Hollywood revels in another celebrity murder case. All in all, everybody agrees it's the next best thing to a Clinton third term.

Judy Woodruff got an exclusive street interview with Bill Clinton in New York Wednesday. She dyed her hair brown and waited on the rope line for him to come by. You can always tell which reporter has read the Ken Starr Report cover to cover.

Bill Clinton and Michael Jackson headlined a Democratic fundraiser Wednesday at Harlem's Apollo Theater. No wonder it sold out. It's not every day you get the chance to see the two leading song-and-dance men of our time on the same stage.

Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah took the train to College Station, Texas, to have lunch on Thursday with former President Bush. What a courageous gesture by the Arabian leader. He wanted to show Americans that it's safe to take the train again.

Congress voted last week to break up the INS into two agencies in order to clear up all the ambiguity. Two immigrants were arrested Thursday. The first was a Mexican who failed to get into the United States and the second was an Arab who succeeded.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton