Jewish World Review Jan. 2, 2004 / 8 Teves, 5764
2003 boasted a cast of colorful characters
Before we bid a hasty farewell to a year whose headlines were all too often punctuated by J-Lo and Jacko, let us not forget that they were not the only characters prompting gasps or chortles.
A Dutch artist boldly announced plans to marry herself to show she loves the different sides of her personality. The bride ordered a complete wedding party, wedding dress and marriage certificate. The bride says she will never divorce herself, as "this marriage is really for better or for worse." Congratulations to the happy single. Er, couple. Whatever.
Dolly Parton isn't as worried about her marriage as she is her looks. In a crows-feet-be-hanged statement, the 57-year-old country star announced that she is "never gonna graduate from collagen." You younger girls should stay in school and continue to moisturize.
In other cosmetic news, Izzat Ibrahim Douri, a top aide to Saddam Hussein, made news by shouting at Kuwait's state minister for foreign affairs, "A curse be on your mustache, you traitor!" You know the enemy's arsenal is waning when they resort to cursing facial hair.
Yoko Ono took a bold and buff stand for peace on a Paris stage with a one-woman performance art show titled, "Cut Piece." Audience members cut off pieces of her clothing with instructions to send them to the ones they love. Ono said she did the nude show "with love for you, for me and for the world." Maybe it's time to love a little less?
The state of Kentucky aired some bizarre laws still on the books, such as the one mandating people take a bath once a year and another requiring the sheriff collect a small tax on every dog, "or shoot the dog." Kentucky has not repealed the laws, but fortunately, neither have they enforced them.
Pigs in England rooted wildly as farmers were ordered to provide footballs and squeaky toys for entertainment to prevent the pigs from growing bored. Farmers who failed to provide toys for their pigs faced huge fines. Other farm animals were reportedly jealous over the pigs obtaining pie in the sty.
The most notable food fight of the year took place at United Nations headquarters when food workers walked off their jobs. Thousands of U.N. employees invaded the building's five cafeterias, helping themselves to everything from food to silverware. It may be time for the U.N. to screen for forks and spoons as well as knives.
In case you missed it (and be glad you did) French President Jacques Chirac posed nude for the cover of Entertainment Weekly in an attempt to win back American favor. Word on the street: It impressed no one but the Dixie Chicks.
College kids, plus sex and alcohol added up to predictable results and a box office flop in the form of a reality movie titled "The Real Cancun." One of the female wet T-shirt participants said, "I'd rather be known for this instead of being smart of something. There's a million people who are smart. There's only 16 of us who were in Cancun together." A million versus 16, and she doesn't question the numbers?
Ah, but one person can make a difference - and so can one building. Jody Mason chained himself to the federal Department of Energy building in Olympia, Wash. as a personal anti-war protest, only to find he had actually padlocked himself to the building next door which oversees the state's grain industry. I hate it when that happens.
Farewell 2003. May 2004 bring peace, prosperity and the courage to graduate from collagen. Happy New Year.
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© 2001, Lori Borgman
JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids. To comment, please click here. To visit her website click here.
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