Jewish World Review Jan. 11, 2002 / 27 Teves, 5762

Lori Borgman

Lori Borgman
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Consumer Reports


The heart-stopper e-mail

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com -- A heart-stopper e-mail arrived that read:

"I am not sure exactly how I came across your Web site, but am sure glad I did . . . I am 23 and a single mom of two and am having a hard time with them. I am at the point of giving them up for open adoption. I am struggling with a lot of issues in my life besides the children. I was wondering if you had any advice for me as to the whole adoption thing. I love my kiddos, but I feel that I am not raising them well enough."

I shot back an e-mail asking some questions, and the young woman responded. It wasn't a prank, it was all too real, a single mother beside herself searching for help.

I've always wondered how single mothers, and fathers, do it. There are few challenges greater than raising children without a spouse. I've had a tiny glimpse into the life of single moms when my husband has worked long stints of long hours.

One or two days flying solo with the kids is no problem. After three days, a thin layer of frost begins developing and it's not in the freezer. Four days of parenting by myself and while doing the ironing, I consider leaving ugly brown scorch marks on his white shirts. Five days without back-up and I begin building a case against him in my head. The verdict is in: The man must pay. The man, who has been working very long hours, unfortunately has no idea that he is returning home to judge, jury and executioner.

He walks in and utters an innocent hello.

"Don't hello me," I snap.

"Is something wrong?" he asks.

"Oh sure, act like you don't know!"

Poor guy; hit by a Mack truck he never saw coming. Technically, nothing is wrong, I've just been exhausted by lack of relief help. I've missed the second head to help solve problems, the warm body I can point to and say, "Go ask your dad." The man who helps supply life's basic needs for the kids has been in abstentia for a short period, that's all.

Single parents face that frustration and fatigue every day. Single parenting for the masses is nothing at all like the pretty people portray it to be.

Madonna, Jodie Foster, Rosie O'Donnell, Calista Flockhart and Camryn Manheim, have taken turns glowing from magazine covers singing the joys of single motherhood. They make it look so easy, so effortless, so positively wrinkle-free. Shame on them for perpetuating a lie.

Most single parents don't have seven-figure incomes, nannies, chauffeurs, housekeepers, cooks, tutors for the kids, wardrobe consultants and personal shoppers. Far from it, single mothers are more likely to struggle financially and have limited career opportunities.v There's nothing easy about being a single parent, providing a roof overhead, putting food on the table, refereeing in-house family feuds, nursing sick kids, running to the store for milk and cereal at 10 o'clock at night all by yourself. There's nothing easy about it for the parent and there's nothing easy about it for the kid.

Some parents walk that road by default, by A death or divorce. But in unprecedented numbers, many walk that road by choice. One-third of all births in this country are now to unmarried women, 30 percent of which are teenagers.

These babies aren't merely at an economic or social disadvantage, their very lives may be at risk. Research by the Centers for Disease Control concluded that birth certificates lacking a father's name were strong predictors of infant death. How strange, the silver screen single moms never mention that.

It's been awhile since I've heard from the single mom who sent the e-mail. I wonder how she's doing. Even more, I wonder about the kids.


JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids. To comment, please click here.

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© 2001, Lori Borgman