Jewish World Review July 25, 2003 / 25 Tamuz, 5763

Lori Borgman

Lori Borgman
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Consumer Reports

Star appears bright-eyed, bushy-tailed | Summer was seeming rather routine until I went outside for the newspaper and saw George Clooney standing on the sidewalk. Drop dead gorgeous. Dark brown eyes, thick brows, deep five o'clock shadow.

You could have knocked me over with a feather. Or a squirrel's tail. I'm telling you as sure as I'm breathing, if ever a squirrel was created in the image of George Clooney, this was it.

George Clooney scampered over to the crabapple tree, and naturally, I followed. He scurried out on a branch, level with my eyes, and began chattering. I listened and nodded politely and he took a few steps closer. I took a few steps closer.

We kept inching toward one another. It was just like in the movie, "One Fine Day," when George Clooney and Michelle Pfeiffer were walking down the sidewalk toward one another, their eyes met and sparks flew. We were now so close that, had I taken three giant steps forward, I could have scratched George Clooney behind the ears.

It would have made for a great e-mail to far-away friends"Hi, there. Not much new here. Same ol', same ol', although I did get a chance to scratch George Clooney behind the ears."

Suddenly, George Clooney began chattering wildly. His chatter grew more and more excited.

I was glad the rolled-up newspaper was still in my hand. I would hate to do it, but if I had to, I would have. I could just see the headline in the National Enquirer: George Clooney Clubbed by Woman Armed With Newspaper Heavy With Circulars. They wouldn't say that it was a squirrel until the end of the article buried on page 39. Then George Clooney fans would be after me, there'd be threats against the family, I'd have to go into hiding and life would never be the same. I zipped back into the house while life still resembled normal.

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I entered the kitchen and told my husband that I had just had a disturbing encounter with a heavily- bearded squirrel that looked exactly like George Clooney.

The man didn't even look up from his coffee and the checkbook he was trying to balance. Just held out his hand for the A section of the newspaper.

"Sure you did," he says, "and last week I saw a woman on television who had seven green peppers that looked like Dopey, Happy, Grumpy and the gang. You're not going public with this are you?"

"Joke if you will," I said, "but I'm telling you, the only other place I've seen five o'clock shadow like this was on 'ER.' And hey, don't forget about the woman who had potato chips that looked like former presidents. She had a sour cream and onion chip that was a ringer for Abe Lincoln. Do you know the woman sold tickets to see those and made enough money to put her kids through college?"

"Was that before or after she spotted the black helicopters with the little green pilots?"

"Sure, keep laughing," I said.

"OK," he answered. "For the record, you do know that big shaggy thing in the neighbor's yard is not Big Foot, right?"

I didn't dignify him with an answer.

I left for an appointment and when I returned several hours later, the video camera was lying on the sofa. "Why is the camera out?" I asked.

He was quiet for a moment, looked rather sheepish and then said, "I spotted George Clooney in the backyard."

He's thinking we can sell the video for $29.95.

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JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids. To comment, please click here. To visit her website click here.

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© 2001, Lori Borgman