Jewish World Review June 21, 2002 / 11 Tamuz, 5762

Lori Borgman

Lori Borgman
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Consumer Reports


Flush with excitement

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | We are sitting in Grandma and Grandpa's kitchen having coffee, waiting for the 7 o'clock hour when the rest of the world begins to rally on a Saturday. Our youngest appears in her robe, with a full roll of toilet paper in one hand and an empty roll of toilet paper in the other. There are many wonderful ways to start a Saturday morning. This is not one of them.

"The - the - the toilet," she stammers. She is visibly shaken and as white as a roll of a Charmin. "The - the - the toilet -"

"What about the toilet?" I ask, leaping from my chair. "What about the toilet?" Grandma asks, leaping from her chair. "What about the toilet?" Grandpa asks, leaping from his chair. (The echo at Grandma and Grandpa's has always been bad.)

"The toilet - the toilet -"

"SPIT IT OUT, CHILD!"

"I blew my nose, was flushing the toilet paper, putting on a new roll of toilet paper, and the spindle bounced out of my hand and was flushed away."

It is a full mob press to the bathroom. There is no way the spindle could have gone down the toilet. It was an old-fashioned one-piece spindle, not one of those two- piece jobs that breaks apart. We look behind the bathroom door, behind the bubble bath and in the medicine cabinet between the Old Spice and tartar control Crest.

Grandpa, who has been perfecting his handyman skills for years, is not daunted. He may be the only man in the universe who can calmly utter the six most disturbing words in the English language and not flinch. "We'll have to pull the toilet."

Grandma swallows hard, hugs the spindle flusher and says, "We're so glad you came to visit, dear. We really must do this more often."

Grandpa pulls the toilet and locates the spindle, which fortunately did not go down the pipe. He announces this would be a good time to replace the wax ring and get new bolts. The flustered spindle flusher accompanies Grandpa to the hardware store.

The hardware clerk, an astute fellow, says, "Looks like you pulled your toilet. What happened?"

Grandpa, being a delicate sort, recounts the crisis and says he would never reveal which grandchild it was, but if the clerk was to guess it was the one standing beside him, he would be absolutely correct.

"What's the punishment for a crime like that?" the clerk asks.

"Don't know," Grandpa says. "I don't know how to handle that."

"You could take all bathroom privileges away from her," the clerk offers.

"Yes, we thought about not letting her blow her nose or use toliets in the house anymore, but that could create a problem."

"What if you rent one of those outdoor portables and charge her every time she uses it?"

"Once you start charging the grandkids to use the facilities, then they don't want to come back anymore. We'll have to give it more thought."

The punishment is still pending, but our spindle crisis could have been worse. An America West flight recently was diverted to Wichita and grounded overnight because of a "suspicious wire" discovered on a bathroom floor. The suspicious wire was a lowly toilet paper spindle.

It's probably just a matter of time before some Congressman introduces legislation to protect Americans from toilet paper spindles. Grandma and Grandpa may be among the biggest supporters.

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JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids. To comment, please click here.

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© 2001, Lori Borgman