Jewish World Review Dec. 31, 2002 / 26 Teves, 5763

Lori Borgman

Lori Borgman
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Consumer Reports

Who it was a good year for | The year 2002 was a very good year. How do I know? I know it was good because I wasn't Martha Stewart.

Martha hit on hard times when she was caught with some shady dealings, and we're not talking do-it-yourself Roman window shades in an all-natural linen weave. Ambushed on the Today Show about her shady stock dealings, Martha whacked away at cabbage and immortalized the words, "I just want to focus on my salad." Here's to better salad next year, Martha.

It was also a good year if you weren't the woman who took 13 items through the 12-items-or-less checkout at a Lowell, Mass. supermarket and was then beaten by a fellow shopper for being one item over the limit. The woman who inflicted the beating was charged with assault with a deadly weapon - her foot. That has to be a mistake. The most deadly weapon at any grocery store is a cart with four wheels all going in different directions.

It was also a good year if you weren't Caesar Barber. Barber is the fellow who sued McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's and KFC because he weighs 270 pounds. They never told him french fries, chocolate shakes, and bacon cheeseburgers were bad for him. Mr. Barber, I don't know how to tell you this, but fudge, Christmas cookies and egg nog, all the treats you've been enjoying for the past month, are also bad for you. Please don't sue Santa.

It was a very good year for Miriam Hay, the Mrs. Israel delegate to the Mrs. World competition. At age 48, Hay was the oldest competitor in the pageant. Think that's funny? She won the swimsuit award.

It was also a good year for Lisa Beamer, the Sept. 11 widow of Todd Beamer "Let's Roll" fame. Lisa gave birth to the baby they were expecting when her husband was killed in last year's terrorist attack. She also published her inspirational memoir. When told the first printing was 1 million copies, she asked her publisher, "Is that good?" Yes, that's good, Lisa - very, very good.

It was almost a good year for Planned Parenthood. In an astonishing move they came out in favor of parental consent. No, they weren't supporting parental consent for under-age girls seeking abortions. They were demanding parental consent for under-age girls and boys wishing to enter their poster contest celebrating 30 years of legal abortion. You can never be too careful with markers and crayons.

It was a good year for Barbara Bush who set a reporter straight for writing that she had joked about having three breast sizes during her life. Bush, bosom buddy to two presidents, had joked about having three DRESS sizes. Some things a woman just has to get off her chest.

The Girl Scouts marked a good year by introducing a new badge - the Stress Less badge designed to help girls cope with the pressure of everyday life. Some scouts unwind at the spa while others exercise, practice breathing techniques, or listen to music to ease tension. And all these years, I thought that's what the cookies were for.

Know it or not, you had a good year, too. If you weren't the Finnish woman having a cup of coffee in her kitchen and had a 450-pound elk crashed through the window, you had a good year. If you weren't Winona Rider on trial for shoplifting from spendy boutiques, you had a good year. If you weren't dangled over a railing on a balcony by Whacko Jacko, you had a good year.

Now, if you'll excuse me, 2003 is waiting. I just want to focus on my salad.

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JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids. To comment, please click here. To visit her website click here.

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03/31/02: Mom and Dad Break Curfew
03/22/02: Introducing P.P.M. (Partners Per Month)
03/15/02: Birth of a Pothole
03/08/02: When Enron Momma gets mad
03/01/02: Little hope for bookaholic
02/22/02: Wrestling with prejudice
02/15/02: Say What?
02/08/02: Kitchen intelligence
02/01/02: Age-old words
01/25/02: Abortion: Switching Sides
01/18/02: Kids, take note
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01/04/02: The slightly sunny side of 2001
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10/26/01: College Son the Invisible Man
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10/12/01: A Parent's Guide to Dating
10/05/01: "Taking Care of You"
09/28/01: Time indivisible
09/24/01: Refueling capitalism
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08/31/01: Scholarship search an education
08/24/01: The test for parents
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07/13/01: Baby Bear Finds Driving "Just Right"
07/06/01: Pale at the Thought of Bronze
06/29/01: A Dog's Best Friend
06/22/01: Rethinking fatherhood
06/14/01 Don't forget to lock the door
06/07/01 How grandma punishes her kids
06/01/01 Hearing voices
05/25/01 Cyborgs for Better or Worse
05/18/01 The death of Common Sense

© 2001, Lori Borgman