Jewish World Review April 21, 2003 / 19 Nisan, 5763

Lori Borgman

Lori Borgman
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Mother Confessions | Augustine filled an entire book with his confessions. Most copies run 300 pages long. I hope to unload mine in one column.

All mothers reshape reality like a pretzel from time to time. Why do they do it? A myriad of reasons really: love, protection, even the need to clean out the refrigerator.

In any case, here they are, Mother Confessions, some of the twisted truths I have uttered and the circumstances that triggered them "Did you know they don't even have a word for leftovers in Italian? They're considered a delicacy." (The third night of finishing off an extra large and extremely dry rump roast.)

"The tooth fairy didn't leave any money last night because the ATM wasn't working. She called early this morning to apologize." (Why there was nothing under the pillow.)

"Mothers who wear glasses have eyes in the back of their heads."

(A second- generation doozie used on kids who have been roughhousing in the family room and look as though they may try it again once you leave.) "You were the cutest baby. Everybody commented on your looks."

(Used on kid who learned Grandma once said he looked like E.T.)

"I'm telling you, it's a babe magnet if I've ever seen one!" (To the middle school kid embarrassed to go to school in a cast and on crutches.) "Trust me, no one will even notice. You're the only one who knows it's there," (Pimple the size of Texas.)

"Believe you me, that boy is going to live with a lifetime of regret. Deep and serious regret." (To a girl who thought a boy at school she had never spoken to might invite her to a party, but for reasons we will never fully understand, or accept, did not.)

"You've always been my favorite. Don't tell the others, but the oldest child has a special place in a mother's heart." (Kid just unloaded the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen without being told.)

"You're my favorite. The middle child is like the filling in a sandwich; the peanut butter and jelly between two pieces of white bread.

Besides, middle children tend to be peacemakers and we can always use more peace around here." (Comforting child who suffered flesh wounds attempting to wrestle phone from physically stronger younger sister.)

"Let's keep this between us, but you're the favorite. The baby is the one parents don't want to let go of, like the last few bites of an ice cream cone." (Used to console kid who is not old enough to drive, not old enough to wear make-up and has no hope of being emancipated.) "Braces can be pretty. Some people think of them as jewelry." (To kid who hadn't smiled in 19 days.)

"If you stay home from school when you're not really sick, a truancy officer may show up. Next thing you know, you're on that Most Wanted show with John Walsh. I've heard truancy officers prowl the malls, and it wouldn't surprise me if they started going door to door." (To kid who thought she needed a day off.)

"You're growing all the time. You can't see it, but I can." (To the shortest kid in kindergarten.)

"You're growing all the time. You may not be able to see it, but I can." (To the shortest kid in the 12- and 13-year-old soccer league.)

"There are a lot of advantages to being short. You see more coins on the ground. How do you think Dustin Hoffman made all his money?" (To one of the shortest kids in the graduating class.)

"I'm your mother, would I lie to you?" (Used as needed.)

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JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids. To comment, please click here. To visit her website click here.

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03/28/03: Bare facts on protesters
03/21/03: Madonna: Like an Author
03/17/03: Mom develops rapport with son's answering machine
03/07/03: The call for courage
02/28/03: My relationship with Mister Rogers
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01/24/03: Picture this! Human 'beans'
01/10/03: Password, please!
12/31/02: Who it was a good year for
12/06/02: Radio show guarantees family-size audience
12/02/02: High-seas adventure would enlist few takers today
11/15/02: Frozen turkey makes cook chicken out
11/15/02: What's going on with "going out?"
11/01/02: The crazy mind of middle-age
10/25/02: Relationship rooted in willow talk
10/18/02: The challenge of being spontaneous
10/11/02: No wheels, no keys, no problem?
10/04/02: Lessons of a childhood survivor --- my children's
09/20/02: "Cutting the Cord" to the Tube
09/13/02: Over there
08/30/02: The Last One Left
08/23/02: Rare sighting made on the patio
08/16/02: Kids get reality paycheck
08/08/02: We look like this . . . no, Kidman!
08/02/02: We should be a nation of 'nuts'!
07/26/02: Hold your applause --- please!
07/19/02: Greed and Mints on the Pillows
07/12/02: Remodeling: Blueprint for Disaster
07/08/02: The Botox wrinkle
06/28/02: One perfect day
06/21/02: Flush with excitement
06/14/02: The Ways a Father Says "I Love You"
06/07/02: Garage Sale Treasures
05/31/02: No Pudgy Hour at the gym
05/19/02: Ozzy, if you come for dinner, bring change
05/19/02: Instant Messaging and LOL
05/10/02: Some mothers get something more
05/03/02: I Nudge, Therefore I Am
04/25/02: Motherhood is seasonal work
04/19/02: Paper trail to college
04/12/02: What to cook or not to cook
03/31/02: Mom and Dad Break Curfew
03/22/02: Introducing P.P.M. (Partners Per Month)
03/15/02: Birth of a Pothole
03/08/02: When Enron Momma gets mad
03/01/02: Little hope for bookaholic
02/22/02: Wrestling with prejudice
02/15/02: Say What?
02/08/02: Kitchen intelligence
02/01/02: Age-old words
01/25/02: Abortion: Switching Sides
01/18/02: Kids, take note
01/11/02: The heart-stopper e-mail
01/04/02: The slightly sunny side of 2001
12/28/01: The Way Things Work
11/30/01: The Leftover Shuffle begins
11/27/01: Glasses bring age into focus
11/16/01: A different portion of Thanks
11/09/01: The Next Stage of Parenting
11/01/01: Of boys and patriotism
10/26/01: College Son the Invisible Man
10/19/01: Out of the closet ... and into the school
10/12/01: A Parent's Guide to Dating
10/05/01: "Taking Care of You"
09/28/01: Time indivisible
09/24/01: Refueling capitalism
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09/07/01: Lack of modesty stirs the troops
08/31/01: Scholarship search an education
08/24/01: The test for parents
08/17/01: Immodest proposals
08/10/01: Trying to R-r-r-re-re-relax
08/03/01: It may be shabby and chic, but it ain't cheap
07/20/01: Bride showered with sage advice
07/13/01: Baby Bear Finds Driving "Just Right"
07/06/01: Pale at the Thought of Bronze
06/29/01: A Dog's Best Friend
06/22/01: Rethinking fatherhood
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06/07/01 How grandma punishes her kids
06/01/01 Hearing voices
05/25/01 Cyborgs for Better or Worse
05/18/01 The death of Common Sense

© 2001, Lori Borgman