Jewish World Review April 21, 2003 / 19 Nisan, 5763

Lori Borgman

Lori Borgman
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Mother Confessions

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Augustine filled an entire book with his confessions. Most copies run 300 pages long. I hope to unload mine in one column.

All mothers reshape reality like a pretzel from time to time. Why do they do it? A myriad of reasons really: love, protection, even the need to clean out the refrigerator.

In any case, here they are, Mother Confessions, some of the twisted truths I have uttered and the circumstances that triggered them "Did you know they don't even have a word for leftovers in Italian? They're considered a delicacy." (The third night of finishing off an extra large and extremely dry rump roast.)

"The tooth fairy didn't leave any money last night because the ATM wasn't working. She called early this morning to apologize." (Why there was nothing under the pillow.)

"Mothers who wear glasses have eyes in the back of their heads."

(A second- generation doozie used on kids who have been roughhousing in the family room and look as though they may try it again once you leave.) "You were the cutest baby. Everybody commented on your looks."

(Used on kid who learned Grandma once said he looked like E.T.)

"I'm telling you, it's a babe magnet if I've ever seen one!" (To the middle school kid embarrassed to go to school in a cast and on crutches.) "Trust me, no one will even notice. You're the only one who knows it's there," (Pimple the size of Texas.)

"Believe you me, that boy is going to live with a lifetime of regret. Deep and serious regret." (To a girl who thought a boy at school she had never spoken to might invite her to a party, but for reasons we will never fully understand, or accept, did not.)

"You've always been my favorite. Don't tell the others, but the oldest child has a special place in a mother's heart." (Kid just unloaded the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen without being told.)

"You're my favorite. The middle child is like the filling in a sandwich; the peanut butter and jelly between two pieces of white bread.

Besides, middle children tend to be peacemakers and we can always use more peace around here." (Comforting child who suffered flesh wounds attempting to wrestle phone from physically stronger younger sister.)

"Let's keep this between us, but you're the favorite. The baby is the one parents don't want to let go of, like the last few bites of an ice cream cone." (Used to console kid who is not old enough to drive, not old enough to wear make-up and has no hope of being emancipated.) "Braces can be pretty. Some people think of them as jewelry." (To kid who hadn't smiled in 19 days.)

"If you stay home from school when you're not really sick, a truancy officer may show up. Next thing you know, you're on that Most Wanted show with John Walsh. I've heard truancy officers prowl the malls, and it wouldn't surprise me if they started going door to door." (To kid who thought she needed a day off.)

"You're growing all the time. You can't see it, but I can." (To the shortest kid in kindergarten.)

"You're growing all the time. You may not be able to see it, but I can." (To the shortest kid in the 12- and 13-year-old soccer league.)

"There are a lot of advantages to being short. You see more coins on the ground. How do you think Dustin Hoffman made all his money?" (To one of the shortest kids in the graduating class.)

"I'm your mother, would I lie to you?" (Used as needed.)

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JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids. To comment, please click here. To visit her website click here.

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01/18/02: Kids, take note
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© 2001, Lori Borgman