Clicking on banner ads enables JWR to constantly improve
Jewish World Review June 2, 2003 / 2 Sivan 5763

Steve Young

Steve Young
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
MUGGER
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports


I WANT TO BE SEAN HANNITY


Lib Admits an unrequited Conservative affair


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | First you should know that I tend to fall on the liberal side of the coin. I used to be a moderate but I woke up one day and found someone had slid the ideological midpoint over to the right and bango, I was a certified far left wing liberal, or so those on the right said.

As a liberal columnist it is my responsibility to cleverly look for the holes in conservative arguments and there is no place better to find conservative holes than on AM radio. And for the past five or six years it's been a pretty easy job with a clear them versus us, I don't like them a cotton-pickin' inch mentality. But recently a wrench was thrown into my clever vindictiveness. And that wrench is Sean Hannity.

Y'see, Sean Hannity is a syndicated radio talk show host who doubles up the workload as the conservative half of Fox News TV's Hannity & Colmes, and it's near impossible not to like the guy. He is just so adorable. I want to make this very clear, Mr. Santorum, when I say Sean is adorable I don't mean I'm attracted to him in the non-hetero, I'd like to spend some time with the guy way. I'm more attracted to him in the boy I would really love to be that guy way.

Have you ever listened to him? He only asks three hours a day, that's all. I invested the time one day and I'm afraid I've become Hannitized. I'm not exactly sure what Hannitzed means, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with saying you're no longer going to talk about Bill Clinton and then you talk about not talking about him every day thereafter. It sounds a bit misleading, but I don't care, 'cause the guy is just so darn cute. Y'just want to squeeze him. And charming? Even when he says something that isn't exactly bathed in fact, I want to hug him. They call that disarming. How can I be sure? When your mother doesn't have time to talk to you on the phone because, "Sean is on," you have to swallow the inevitable. He's a mentsh. Ask MARTY!

He's like a cold sore that you don't treat because everyone thinks it's a beauty mark. You know how most Conservative hosts won't bring on bright people on the opposition to debate? Sean brings them all on. For criminy's sake, he's made Clinton's old advisor (who did not turn on him) Lanny Davis a regular. My guess is that he'd have Bill and Hillary on at the same time, that is if Bill and Hillary would be anywhere at the same time.

When Sean tells me that I (the Liberal I) am the cause of all the world's trouble, I don't want to bash him, I want to kiss him (but not in the privacy of my own bedroom way). It's true. Have you seen the mug on this guy? He's the Tom Cruise of Conservatism. I mean, if Tom Cruise drove an SUV and didn't make his living in Hollywood.

So, here's the story. Y'know how they've been talking about a Liberal Radio Talk Show network? Well, I was thinking of becoming one of the hosts. Not that they're bidding for my services, but if they did, I'd want to do it the way Sean does. I don't want to Bill O'Reilly-bloody them against the studio wall. I want to lambaste my opponents without once making them wince. I want to slam their views and never have them lose their smile. I want to get angry and have my adversary try to placate me. Listen to some of the debates he has with Dems. He's Mata Hari (or Katrina Leung) in jacket and tie. He'll unzip your honor and steal your convictions without ever mussing your ACLU membership.

Of course I don't have a President or party in control to agree with at most every turn. I don't even have a former president to tear asunder ad infinitum. How many times can I say, "But he threw up on the Chinese leader?"

While I certainly could use the job -- it's not like the liberal me is going to make a living authoring "Conservatives are evil" books -- I believe if they really want Liberal Talk Radio to work, forget Michael Moore and Al Franken. Take all the talent cash and slip it to Sean. Just tell him you found another 130 million people who need to be Hannitized. Need a kicker? Let him know how many more books he could sell. "Let Freedom Ring?" Heck, let the cash register ring. That might turn his well-coiffed head.

Alas, I doubt that Sean will be fooled into crossing over, nor will I soon become Sean. So I guess I'm just stuck with doing my talk radio shtick for my mom --- after six PM EST.

Alright. Column's up against a hard break, so when we come back we'll trash the lines and you'll have five seconds to write me whatever you want. I am not responsible for any misspellings, mixed-metaphors, inarticulate composition, dangling participles, slang, split infinitives and overuse of "nor" and "neither" when "or" and "either" would suffice.

MAAAARTY!



JWR contributor Steve Young, Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, is contributing editor at the Writers Guild of America's "Written By" magazine. He is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful: Mistakes, Adversity, Failure and Other Stepping Stones to Success," "The 130 Tales of Winchell Mink," Harper Collins (Winter, 2003) and the director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz." His website is www.greatfailure.com. Comment by clicking here.

05/27/03: No popcorn refills? What's next, no stealing Sweet & Low?
05/19/03: Measuring failure of character is an uneven science: Failure May In Fact Be A+
05/16/03: Liar, liar, American Idol's on fire?
04/16/03: TAKE ME OUT OF THE BALL GAME: Politics pitched at national pastime and baseball strikes out
04/11/03: Goodbye Shecky Al-Sahaf, We Hardly Knew Ye
04/04/03: An open letter to the right...and left
03/25/03: Should we be funny during war?
03/19/03: The 2003 Academy aWARds
03/04/03: Energy shortage vs energy profit: A Political Primer
02/28/03: Celebrities for war
02/20/03: So you want to be a liberal talk show host
02/18/03: The Sting, Part II: Osama turns himself in
02/10/03: Michael Jackson threat level raised to "orange"
02/07/03: LET'S GET RID OF SADDAM --- ON EBAY!
01/23/03: Can we really blame HBO for terrorism?
01/09/03: You can buy your very own family...on eBay
01/02/03: A look back at a sorry but pretty funny year
12/30/02: Using 2002ís failures to make a successful 2003
12/20/02: McCartney Credit Reverse Sets A Dangerous Precedent
12/18/02: Radio talk takes a surprise hit
12/16/02: Apologies running rampant: The country is in a sorry state
12/13/02: Lott apologizes for his apologies
12/09/02: FDA OKAYS "SOLARIS" FOR TREATMENT OF SLEEP APNEA
11/26/02: Finding the McTunity within their McFailure
11/15/02: Can the Dems learn from Lincoln's failures?
11/06/02: The Day After... who'll comfort me now?
11/04/02: We can all fight ageism!
10/29/02: Was I totally responsible for the market's upsurge?
10/09/02: Finding The Bull Within: Wall Street Needs To Rethink The "F" Word
10/01/02: Merriam-Webster Needs To Rethink the "F" word
09/25/02: Held up in the passing lane ... and life's other positive curve balls
09/23/02: Shrinking the waist problem: Using Good Old American Failure To Lose Inches
09/17/02: Earth to Florida: No more elections
09/11/02: The humor will return. Just not yet
09/09/02: Bush coalition on fast track
08/30/02: N'Sync's Bass gets NASA okay: Former astronauts Gagarin and Glenn form boy band
08/21/02: Insider trading...it's a good thing
08/05/02: America goes Madison Ave.: The Selling of America
07/29/02: ROCKIN' RENO: The Newest Political Strategy For Filling The Coffers
07/23/02: Is Wall Street the enemy? No, but that's where the enemy hides
07/10/02: Cooking the books
06/27/02: Apocalypse now!?
06/14/02: Coulter for the defense?
05/21/02: SUICIDE BOMBER KILLS SELF! NO ONE ELSE INJURED! Inept bomber is refused entrance into Paradise. 72 Virgins breathe sigh of relief
05/19/02: Hey world! How about trying the shoe on the other foot hypotheses
05/13/02: AM Radio and Enron
05/03/02: "Deep Throat" to Be Revealed ... But will America Swallow It!?
04/29/02: Britney Spears next in line to blast off into orbit
04/22/02: Former Liberal Seeks Conservative Book Deal
04/15/02: If you truly care about America, you'll read this column
04/01/02: My Uncle Miltie
03/27/02: The Fightin' Righties
03/20/02: Woody Allen refuses to cast self...
03/18/02: The Realies
02/19/02: Greenspan Announces Lower (Television Network) Interest Rates
02/15/02: Ken Lay sells soul to the devil: Beelzebub loses life's savings
02/12/02: Enron's Skilling mistakenly takes the Fourth, forcing him to spill his guts
02/06/02: BOOSTING THE SAGGING ECONOMY: Let Green Stamps be our financial brassiere
01/24/02: "I'M THE ONE!"
01/16/02: Goodbye "Rincoln Continental," we hardry knew ye
01/14/02: "But He Was Such A Good Boy" gene, found to be defective
01/04/02: PLAY BUZKASHI!
12/31/01: Come on war. You can do better!
12/26/01: NOT MY OSAMA!
12/24/01: TIME caves
12/20/01: Finally! Friends of Color
12/14/01: Bin Laden's Funniest Home Videos
12/10/01: What if Catching bin Laden is in dispute?
11/30/01: Back to normal...too bad
11/16/01: Osama not enough for some
11/09/01: Networks at war!
11/05/01: Bridges Over Troubled Water
10/29/01: The other terrorists
10/16/01: Diary Of A Young Defense Department Comedy Writer
10/01/01: Playlands, burgers, and family sanity
09/25/01: Dissent is walking on red, white and blue egg shells
09/21/01: OPEN LETTER THE MOST HIGH (RE: Falwell and Robertson comments)
09/17/01: Gary, we miss ya
09/10/01: Smelling out a real hero
09/04/01: Don't give up on that dream!
08/24/01: Pitch day at the Mouse
08/21/01: It Depends On What Your Definition Of "Unlimited" Is
08/06/01: IN OPEN LETTER FROM THE NEWS ORGANIZATIONS AND TALK SHOWS OF AMERICA

Up

© 2002, Steve Young