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Jewish World Review April 29, 2002 / 17 Iyar, 5762

Steve Young

Steve Young
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Consumer Reports

Britney Spears next in line to blast off into orbit

Millions line up to donate | With a plethora of non-astronaut, celebrity travelers crowding the passenger lists of Russian and now American space flights, it figured that it wouldn't belong before the publicity would be too hard to resist for America's hottest twenty-one-year-old teen.

The latest celeb to plan for the trip is Pepsi diva Britney Spears who will be the first to not have to pay for the flight out of her own pocket. Millions of dollars are pouring in from all over the world wishing to support the Spear's trip into space.

"Problem is," says Lance Trout, head of the Let's Send Britney Far, Far Away" Foundation, "that we have not received one cent to bring her back."

Much of the money is coming in from Great Britain.

"I can't wait for that whore to be as far away from this planet as possible," said one parent with a severe English accent. "She certainly couldn't wait to get away from my daughter who waited ten bloomin' hours in the rain to get a glimpse of Miss Oh So Virgin. Yeah, right."

Unbeknownst to the public, Spears has gone through two days of grueling training and non-gravity dance routines. "It's not easy pulling my elbows in toward my body over and over in those heavy space costumes," said the Queen of all Disney Channel music. "I can't wait to get up there and do one of those awesome space dances or whatever."

NASA workers are already hard at work fitting Ms. Spears with a navel-revealing, spacesuit.

"Her handlers demanded the bare midriff," said Mission Control's Gail Armstrong. "We'll let her find out how that works when she's out there," snickered the NASA costumer.

JWR contributor Steve Young, Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, is contributing editor at the Writers Guild of America's "Written By" magazine. He is the author of the forthcoming "Great Failures Of The Extremely Successful," Tallfellow Press, 2002 Comment by clicking here.

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© 2002, Steve Young