Jewish World Review May 21, 2002 / 10 Sivan, 5762
SUICIDE BOMBER KILLS SELF! NO ONE ELSE INJURED!
Inept bomber is refused entrance into Paradise. 72 Virgins breathe sigh
NETANYA An Arab terrorist being pursued by Israeli police Monday detonated explosives at a busy intersection here --- killing only himself, but causing no other injuries to passersby and prompting Allah to issue the following statement:
"He can forget the 72 virgins. He'll be lucky to get
one or two red-headed ninety-year-olds. This whole
kill-a-bunch-of-innocents-and-then-you-get -into-paradise junk has been a
divine pain in the rear. I've got these lunatic jihad freaks praying to
Me maybe five-six times a day for guidance and then these yokels go out
and spread hate and violent crapola. As far as I'm concerned, the bunch
of 'em can go to hell."
"And it's been hell up here, too," added Bambi Mandrell, a representative
of the Heaven's Virgins Against The Bombers. "Ever since those jokers
down there started trying to shove these nutballs down our throats, you
can't go anywhere without some exploded Hamas or Al Quaeda fundamentalist
asking us for a piece of you know what. A lot of us virgins had to work very hard to remain
this way. Why would we give it up to every Tom, Dick and Mohammed who has
the asinine idea that blowing up some innocent would turn us on?"
Down on Earth, there were also ramifications for the bomber's family as
the debacle set in motion the little known "No atrocity, No payee"
criterion as Saudi Arabia has refused to send any money to the bomber's
"A deal's a deal," said Saudi Head of Suicide Bomber Compensation, Mullah
Habeed. The guy screwed up. "You can't expect us to pay someone for not
doing his job."
The Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine took responsibility for
Monday's foul up.
"My bad," said Some Smelly Guy Wearing A Black Hood . "I'm pretty sure I
forgot to mention that he was supposed to blow up others with him. But
you live and learn ... At least I do."
JWR contributor Steve Young, Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his
television writing, is contributing editor at the Writers Guild of
America's "Written By" magazine. He is the author of the forthcoming "Great Failures Of
The Extremely Successful," Tallfellow Press, 2002
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© 2002, Steve Young