Clicking on banner ads enables JWR to constantly improve
Jewish World Review Sept. 17, 2002 / 11 Tishrei 5763

Steve Young

Steve Young
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
MUGGER
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports


Earth to Florida:
No more elections



Sometimes failures are just that


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | In my book, "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful: Mistakes, Adversity, Failure and Other Stepping Stones to Success", a myriad of icons from many different fields recount their stories of triumph pulled heroically from the throes of defeat. From basketball hall of famer Bill Walton's battle with stuttering to become a national network sportscaster to R&B legend Teddy Pendergrass fighting back from a horrendous car accident and chest-down paralysis to once again belt out hit in front of millions of adoring fans, the tales of adversity providing positive opportunities make for some damn good inspirational reading. Likewise, the earth-shattering breakthrough that created Silly-Putty was the result of a flawed experiment.

But even in the light of Thomas Edison's historical evidence that thousands of his failed experiments let to the development of the light bulb, I'm afraid that Florida still remains in the dark.

It is said that if you placed and infinitive number of monkeys at an infinitive number of typewriters (remember typewriters?), that sooner or later they would write all the great books. Alas, I'm afraid if those monkeys were sitting at typewriters in Florida, we'd never know if primate-composed "Tale of Two Cities" or "Captain Underpants" were likely. That is to say that in spite of being a vocal advocate of failure being a stepping stone for success, sometimes enough is enough. In that stead, I say that Florida should give up.

That's right. No more elections. No more embarrassments for my grandmother and every other one of my relatives over the age of 70 who are ageing considerably faster attempting to figure out the voting process. To the citizens of Florida, understanding how to vote correctly is as frustrating as the governor's attempts to keep his daughter and narcotics apart.

Though it might not hurt to place the young damsel Bush in charge of Florida's prescription program. She seems to be able to be able to get a hold of medication no matter how many obstacles they place in front of her. I bet with the senior citizen vote she could easily beat out her father, let alone Bill McBride, or Janet Reno, or Al Gore, or whomever won this time.

Instead, from now on, elections should be replaced with "taking turns." First the Democrats takes office, then the Republicans, then the Democrats again. If third parties were involved (other than the Greens, as they screwed this thing up to begin with) they would take office every fifth term.

Simple, huh? We take all the math out of the hands of the voters. No more blaming Katherine Harris or the governor. No more blaming the democrats or chads. No more ballots. No more voting machines. No more campaign commercials. No more campaign contributions. No more campaigns. And most important, no more insulting jokes about Florida or its elderly (who might have voted correctly if incentives of free early bird dinners and unguarded dishes of Sweet & Low had been offered).

For while I still believe that in most cases, failure is mankind's most neglected resource, as the great Springfield philosopher, Homer Simpson, once said, "Kids...you tried your best and you failed miserably. And the moral is...never try."



JWR contributor Steve Young, Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, is contributing editor at the Writers Guild of America's "Written By" magazine. He is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful: Mistakes, Adversity, Failure and Other Stepping Stones to Success". His website is www.greatfailure.com. Comment by clicking here.

09/11/02: The humor will return. Just not yet
09/09/02: Bush coalition on fast track
08/30/02: N'Sync's Bass gets NASA okay: Former astronauts Gagarin and Glenn form boy band
08/21/02: Insider trading...it's a good thing
08/05/02: America goes Madison Ave.: The Selling of America
07/29/02: ROCKIN' RENO: The Newest Political Strategy For Filling The Coffers
07/23/02: Is Wall Street the enemy? No, but that's where the enemy hides
07/10/02: Cooking the books
06/27/02: Apocalypse now!?
06/14/02: Coulter for the defense?
05/21/02: SUICIDE BOMBER KILLS SELF! NO ONE ELSE INJURED! Inept bomber is refused entrance into Paradise. 72 Virgins breathe sigh of relief
05/19/02: Hey world! How about trying the shoe on the other foot hypotheses
05/13/02: AM Radio and Enron
05/03/02: "Deep Throat" to Be Revealed ... But will America Swallow It!?
04/29/02: Britney Spears next in line to blast off into orbit
04/22/02: Former Liberal Seeks Conservative Book Deal
04/15/02: If you truly care about America, you'll read this column
04/01/02: My Uncle Miltie
03/27/02: The Fightin' Righties
03/20/02: Woody Allen refuses to cast self...
03/18/02: The Realies
02/19/02: Greenspan Announces Lower (Television Network) Interest Rates
02/15/02: Ken Lay sells soul to the devil: Beelzebub loses life's savings
02/12/02: Enron's Skilling mistakenly takes the Fourth, forcing him to spill his guts
02/06/02: BOOSTING THE SAGGING ECONOMY: Let Green Stamps be our financial brassiere
01/24/02: "I'M THE ONE!"
01/16/02: Goodbye "Rincoln Continental," we hardry knew ye
01/14/02: "But He Was Such A Good Boy" gene, found to be defective
01/04/02: PLAY BUZKASHI!
12/31/01: Come on war. You can do better!
12/26/01: NOT MY OSAMA!
12/24/01: TIME caves
12/20/01: Finally! Friends of Color
12/14/01: Bin Laden's Funniest Home Videos
12/10/01: What if Catching bin Laden is in dispute?
11/30/01: Back to normal...too bad
11/16/01: Osama not enough for some
11/09/01: Networks at war!
11/05/01: Bridges Over Troubled Water
10/29/01: The other terrorists
10/16/01: Diary Of A Young Defense Department Comedy Writer
10/01/01: Playlands, burgers, and family sanity
09/25/01: Dissent is walking on red, white and blue egg shells
09/21/01: OPEN LETTER THE MOST HIGH (RE: Falwell and Robertson comments)
09/17/01: Gary, we miss ya
09/10/01: Smelling out a real hero
09/04/01: Don't give up on that dream!
08/24/01: Pitch day at the Mouse
08/21/01: It Depends On What Your Definition Of "Unlimited" Is
08/06/01: IN OPEN LETTER FROM THE NEWS ORGANIZATIONS AND TALK SHOWS OF AMERICA

Up

© 2002, Steve Young