Jewish World Review Dec. 9, 2002 / 4 Teves 5763
FDA OKAYS "SOLARIS" FOR TREATMENT OF SLEEP APNEA
Ground breaking news from the world of medicine as the Federal Drug Administration has approved the use of the George
Clooney star-vehicle, "Solaris," as treatment for long-time sufferers of sleep apnea.
The "medication" packaged as in DVD form as Snorer creates instantaneous, deep sleep making "Solaris," a prescription
only narcotic while a weaker version sold under the name, "Maid In Manhattan," will be available over-the-counter by the
end of next week. A child's strength had been disbursed earlier in a cherry-flavored "Spy Kids 2."
Through the years of failed clinical trials, researchers have experimented with Jeffrey Osbourne, ballet and, more recently,
PAX TV. Earlier tests with "Howard's End" and "Enchanted April" fizzled and hope dimmed for those who can't seem to
get a decent nap. Now with Steven Soderbergh's remake of the lumbering Russian film, the potential is endless (or so the
film makes it seem).
Researchers were quick to add that careful studies must continue on the potential misuse of the film. Even now, children as
young as 12 who, unaware of the proper use of the film, have been sneaking into the movie only later to wake up to find that
the "high" itself to be merely a deep, peaceful sleep. Reported gangs of disappointed, but well-rested, teens trashing
multiplexes, have been rampant.
If you are planning to take in "Solaris" MABF, (Mothers Against Boring Films) recommends bringing along a designated
driver who will instead see "Harry Potter" or even "Frida."
WARNINGS: Do not view "Solaris" more than once per 24 hours. In case of accidental overdose, contact
Poison Control and if not yet managed, induce vomiting. Never watch while operating heavy-machinery.
Remember: friends don't let friend watch "Solaris."
JWR contributor Steve Young, Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his
television writing, is contributing editor at the Writers Guild of
America's "Written By" magazine. He is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful: Mistakes, Adversity, Failure and
Other Stepping Stones to Success," . the director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz," and opens car doors
for students at his very young kids' school.
His website is www.greatfailure.com.
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© 2002, Steve Young