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Jewish World Review Feb. 18, 2003 / 16 Adar I 5763

Steve Young

Steve Young
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Consumer Reports


The Sting, Part II: Osama turns himself in



"It Was The Duct Tape," admits bad boy Bin Laden


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Somehow the picture of the most powerful country in the history of the world defending itself with duct tape and plastic sheets beckons one to consider ulterior, Machiavellian motives. Could this all be a brilliant covert strategy by Homeland Security overlord, Tom Ridge? Will Osama bin Laden, soon be turning himself into U.S. authorities revealing that the latest code orange terrorist alert brought down his entire terrorist infrastructure?

"For years the boys down at Al Qaeda research have been trying to contend with the very real possibility that Americans would employ duct tape to defend themselves from a fundamentalist Islamic attack on their very freedom," confessed the former cave-dwelling recluse. "How they knew I hated the color orange is beyond me. These guys are good."

Ridge must have something up his sleeve.

"I know most Americans, including Pelosi and the rest of those lefties down at the DNC, thought that we were wimpin' out with a seemingly pantywaist pigment program," beams Ridge. "We knew a long time ago that these guys had a big hangup with incandescent colors and duct tape. We just had to bide our time."

Perhaps there was a good reason the Secretary of State, Colin Powell seem to change midstream from middle-of-the-road, let's-take-a-deep-breath part of the government.

"I felt like such a dolt picking on Saddam and the good people of Iraq. But the president assured me this ruse would distract everyone from our real plan...what W liked to call, 'Duct, Duct Goose Osama.' But darnit if the old cowboy didn't know what he was doing."

Can't you just see the relieved Bush spokesman Ari Fleisher. "How do you think I felt? I had to stand up here everyday telling the world that we thought batteries, bottled water and...duct tape, would keep us safe from suicide terrorists and germ warfare. During some of those press conferences I felt like I was going to split a gut."

And the world would finally realize that far from the out-of-control-war-monger they've been protesting, President Bush was really a extraordinarily cunning, bombs-unnecessary strategist.

"I want to thank the networks, cable news outlets and talk radio for supporting our efforts. How Rush and O'Reilly kept a straight face while talking up the war effort against Iraq was pure patriotism our founding fathers would be proud of. In addition, our appreciation goes out to Home Depot and Duct Tape 'R Us stores across America for putting extra cashiers on to handle the public's panicked onslaught on their plastic and duct products."

Columnists and editorial boards of the liberal media would stop hounding our ever-kidding, Attorney General John Ashcroft.

"I can't believe that people were gullible enough to believe that we were actually going to curtail civil liberties. This is America, folks. We don't screw with the Constitution."

And IF this was truly all a finely-tuned plan will we finally get to delight in the vision of a defeated AND shackled bin Laden admitting a genuine disappointment with the President's tactics.

"War is a dirty business, but I thought even infidels were more civilized than to pull this kind of cr-p."

Will Robert Redford and Paul Newman show up at the United Nations tomorrow? We can only hope.



JWR contributor Steve Young, Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, is contributing editor at the Writers Guild of America's "Written By" magazine. He is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful: Mistakes, Adversity, Failure and Other Stepping Stones to Success," "The 130 Tales of Winchell Mink," Harper Collins (Winter, 2003) and the director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz." His website is www.greatfailure.com. Comment by clicking here.

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01/23/03: Can we really blame HBO for terrorism?
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01/02/03: A look back at a sorry but pretty funny year
12/30/02: Using 2002ís failures to make a successful 2003
12/20/02: McCartney Credit Reverse Sets A Dangerous Precedent
12/18/02: Radio talk takes a surprise hit
12/16/02: Apologies running rampant: The country is in a sorry state
12/13/02: Lott apologizes for his apologies
12/09/02: FDA OKAYS "SOLARIS" FOR TREATMENT OF SLEEP APNEA
11/26/02: Finding the McTunity within their McFailure
11/15/02: Can the Dems learn from Lincoln's failures?
11/06/02: The Day After... who'll comfort me now?
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10/29/02: Was I totally responsible for the market's upsurge?
10/09/02: Finding The Bull Within: Wall Street Needs To Rethink The "F" Word
10/01/02: Merriam-Webster Needs To Rethink the "F" word
09/25/02: Held up in the passing lane ... and life's other positive curve balls
09/23/02: Shrinking the waist problem: Using Good Old American Failure To Lose Inches
09/17/02: Earth to Florida: No more elections
09/11/02: The humor will return. Just not yet
09/09/02: Bush coalition on fast track
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08/05/02: America goes Madison Ave.: The Selling of America
07/29/02: ROCKIN' RENO: The Newest Political Strategy For Filling The Coffers
07/23/02: Is Wall Street the enemy? No, but that's where the enemy hides
07/10/02: Cooking the books
06/27/02: Apocalypse now!?
06/14/02: Coulter for the defense?
05/21/02: SUICIDE BOMBER KILLS SELF! NO ONE ELSE INJURED! Inept bomber is refused entrance into Paradise. 72 Virgins breathe sigh of relief
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05/13/02: AM Radio and Enron
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04/29/02: Britney Spears next in line to blast off into orbit
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04/15/02: If you truly care about America, you'll read this column
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03/27/02: The Fightin' Righties
03/20/02: Woody Allen refuses to cast self...
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02/19/02: Greenspan Announces Lower (Television Network) Interest Rates
02/15/02: Ken Lay sells soul to the devil: Beelzebub loses life's savings
02/12/02: Enron's Skilling mistakenly takes the Fourth, forcing him to spill his guts
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01/24/02: "I'M THE ONE!"
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01/14/02: "But He Was Such A Good Boy" gene, found to be defective
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12/31/01: Come on war. You can do better!
12/26/01: NOT MY OSAMA!
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12/20/01: Finally! Friends of Color
12/14/01: Bin Laden's Funniest Home Videos
12/10/01: What if Catching bin Laden is in dispute?
11/30/01: Back to normal...too bad
11/16/01: Osama not enough for some
11/09/01: Networks at war!
11/05/01: Bridges Over Troubled Water
10/29/01: The other terrorists
10/16/01: Diary Of A Young Defense Department Comedy Writer
10/01/01: Playlands, burgers, and family sanity
09/25/01: Dissent is walking on red, white and blue egg shells
09/21/01: OPEN LETTER THE MOST HIGH (RE: Falwell and Robertson comments)
09/17/01: Gary, we miss ya
09/10/01: Smelling out a real hero
09/04/01: Don't give up on that dream!
08/24/01: Pitch day at the Mouse
08/21/01: It Depends On What Your Definition Of "Unlimited" Is
08/06/01: IN OPEN LETTER FROM THE NEWS ORGANIZATIONS AND TALK SHOWS OF AMERICA

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© 2002, Steve Young