Jewish World Review Feb. 7, 2003 / 5 Adar I 5763
LET'S GET RID OF SADDAM --- ON EBAY!
Lets Make Our Problems, Someone Else's
A couple weeks ago I attempted to sell my family on Ebay for $5 million. Darn near did it, too. That is until I found out the
fellow who made the big bid wanted more than a platonic relationship with my wife. Geesh. If I can't, why should he?
Anyway, the Ebay thing gathered more international attention than I could've ever imagined. We were interviewed by Matt
Lauer, interrogated by Connie Chung and was even fair and balanced on Fox News. John Walsh flew us from L.A. to the
Big Apple just to ask us why we did it. We were news throughout the world. My Russian daughter-in-law's mother was
appalled that there were crazy people in America who want to sell their family. My daughter-in-law didn't have the heart to tell
her that the crazy guy was her new father-in-law. I did radio and print interviews from the U.K. to Britain, from England to that
country with Queen Elizabeth. My mother even heard two women at her weight-watcher's group discussing the nuts on Ebay.
She was thrilled to tell them, "That nut was my son!" I love my mom.
Point is, Ebay can be a powerful international force. We had 11,000 hits on our ad in less than 24 hours. Ebay touches
everyone, everywhere. Instead of it being used for only individual and selfish means, why don't we take advantage of this
exceptional tool for the good of all mankind? So it is that I propose to the officials at Ebay: Open up your site for auctions that
will do some real good.
If there was some idiot out there willing to pay $5 mil for an annoying Hollywood writer and his family, certainly we can find
some jokers who would be willing to take plenty of other irritants off our hands.
For example, before we put our boys and girls in harm's way, perhaps we can use the Ebay auction diplomatically to get
SADDAM HUSSEIN - Bid now and receive a YASSAR ARAFAT at NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE.
I mean, some wealthy, good Samaritan out there who could make a decent offer, then whisk Saddam away to somewhere
Let's not stop there. Here are a few more candidates for the Ebay auction block.
LET'S MAKE ALL THESE PEOPLE SOMEONE ELSE'S PROBLEM
FRANCE - And that's not all. We'll throw in Germany FREE!
HOLLYWOOD STARS who tell us their politics and how we should do our business. PLUS: A matching set of politicians
who tell Hollywood how to run their business.
TELEMARKETERS who call during dinner. ADDED BONUS!: All other telemarketers.
|Buy Hussein Now...PLEASE! |
MICHAEL JACKSON - No one under 18 may bid. Better make that under 40.
THE PATHETIC SYCOPHANTS who create computer virus's because they have no other way of getting attention.
SPECIAL EXTRA: People who believe and forward e-mails purporting Bill Gates will send out $250 just for forwarding the
message. THERE'S EVEN MORE! You'll get the unfunny people who think they're funny because they forward jokes on
ANNA NICOLE SMITH - Including the 30 or 40 skinny people inside of her fighting to get out.
PLUS: Her repulsive
attorney who actually gives attorneys who represent Hollywood star murderers a bad name.
WE'LL ALSO THROW IN the
E! ENTERTAINMENT EXECUTIVES who continue to humiliate this poor wretch who has no idea what's happening.
CAR COMMERCIALS where people dance in their cars.
GLORIA JAMES - The mother of high school superstar, LEBRON JAMES. INCLUDES $50K, HUMMER the jobless
mom took out a loan for as an 18th birthday present for her unspoiled son.
EVERY MONEY-GRUBBING WOMEN ON "JOE MILLIONAIRE" - We'll throw in Joe for good measure.
AMERICAN IDOL'S SIMON - INCLUDES a list of 1000 different way to say that he is incredibly tiresome.
And AT NO
ADDITIONAL COST! Last year's winner, KELLY CLARKSON, who's only legacy will be that she was a favorite on
You can bid on Steve at eBay right now at http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2910548837
JWR contributor Steve Young, Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his
television writing, is contributing editor at the Writers Guild of
America's "Written By" magazine. He is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful: Mistakes, Adversity, Failure and
Other Stepping Stones to Success," "The 130 Tales of Winchell Mink," Harper Collins (Winter, 2003) and the director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz."
His website is www.greatfailure.com.
Comment by clicking here.
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© 2002, Steve Young