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Jewish World Review Feb. 10, 2003 / 8 Adar I 5763

Steve Young

Steve Young
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Consumer Reports


Michael Jackson threat level raised to "orange"




http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Citing "specific intelligence" gathered in a British television documentary, Homeland Security Chief, Tom Ridge, announced that the possibility of Michael Jackson doing something horribly repulsive had increased so substantially, that he is upgrading the Wacko Jacko alert system to orange.

"Recently, we have been intercepting substantial numbers of communications between Mr. Jackson and the Culkin brothers relating to the possibility of an impending sleep-over," said Ridge.

Forced to appear on an unending number of talk shows to make her accusations, attorney Gloria Allred added fuel to the fire.

"We have tracked large international movements of hot chocolate and Legos in and about Jackson’s Neverland compound. Do you think those elements are coming in as child’s play? These are obvious weapons of mass misappropriate activity by Mr. Jackson."

"Just because I sleep with unchaperoned children in my bedroom, a smattering of people think this is somehow unseemly," a Jackson statement read.

"We were just having fun. Since when is a forty-four-year old single man sleeping in the same bed with unrelated minors a bad thing? Have you ever seen the gams on some of those kids?"

Coincidentally this latest orange alert comes at a time when the former black and self-anointed "King Of Pop" himself to be turning an incandescent shade of orange.

A Jackson spokesperson reports the recent color alteration is just a natural etymological occurrence and not due to any cosmetic alterations. "Michael is extremely sensitive as well as patriotic,"said good friend and spoon-bender, Uri Geller. "His skin tone tends to fluctuate right along with our country's risk level of terrorist threat."

The last time the Jackson Threat level reached "orange" was when Jackson held his face-covered infant child over a balcony in Germany. At the time Jackson called the episode a mistake, explaining that he thought that he was holding Liza Minelli over the crowd.

Ridge reiterated the need for parents and children to adhere to the five-point scale of risk developed immediately after Jackson made a multimillion dollar out-of-court settlement over a child abuse law suit.


WACKO JACKO ALERT SYSTEM

Low Condition: Green
Low risk of cosmetic surgery or pajama parties; usually takes place between the hours of 9 and 3 while most children are in protective school settings.

Guarded Condition: Blue
General risk of Jackson showing up; check communications with your children reminding them not to go near colorless adults.

Elevated Condition: Yellow
Severe risk of Jackson recording another album. It is recommended that all citizens steer clear of Tower Records and Walmart album departments.

High Condition: Orange
Significant risk of Jackson gathering children at Neverland; watch for Elizabeth Taylor manifestation.

Severe Condition: Red
High risk of Jackson having another child through some sort of non-sexual means. Jackson has often alluded to the normal adult conception method as "Yucky."



JWR contributor Steve Young, Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, is contributing editor at the Writers Guild of America's "Written By" magazine. He is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful: Mistakes, Adversity, Failure and Other Stepping Stones to Success," "The 130 Tales of Winchell Mink," Harper Collins (Winter, 2003) and the director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz." His website is www.greatfailure.com. Comment by clicking here.

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© 2002, Steve Young