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Jewish World Review March 19, 2003 / 15 Adar II 5763

Steve Young

Steve Young
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The 2003 Academy aWARds


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | "Hey, isn't that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed getting out of the limo wearing a daring and plunging, stretched out neckline T-shirt?"

Why, yes it is. And all the giddy participants in this year's Iraqi war showed up for the 2003 Academy AWARds to watch who would be the big winners (read: losers). If you weren't able to stay up to catch all the disagreements, tears and overlong (and scripted) speeches, here's a rundown of some of the winners (read: losers again).

BEST SHORT - The Azores Summit's one hour of intense negotiations resulting in the ultimatum that there is only 24 hours left before war.

BEST SHORTER - Azores Summit Press conference announcing that there is only 24 hours left before war, limiting reporters to 4 total questions.

BEST SHORTEST (BOR-RING CATEGORY) - The Clinton/Dole 2 Minute Smackdown on "60 Minutes."

BEST TAPED PERFORMANCE (HOME DEPOT CATEGORY) - Duct.

BEST DOCUMENTARY (DISTRACTION FROM WAR CATEGORY) - (TIE) Michael Jackson; Michael Jackson Rebuttal

BEST SCRIPTED PERFORMANCE (UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF MEDICATION? CATEGORY) -President Bush's March 12th press conference

BEST FIRST AMENDMENT "SPIN"(I'M REALLY SHAKING CATEGORY) - Bill O'Reilly for his declaration that any jerk who speaks out against American policy during a war, has to answer to him.

BEST ANTI-WAR PERFORMANCE (HISTORICAL WAR MONGER CATEGORY) - Germany

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ALLY IN A NONSPORTING ROLE - France

BEST RATIONALE FOR WAR (REPEATED AD INFINITUM CATEGORY) - "We been doing this for 12 years."

BEST RATIONALE FOR WAR (UNDOCUMENTED CATEGORY) - "Saddam is connected to 9/11 and bin laden"

BEST PERFORMANCE IN A SUPPORTING ROLE (COSTING HIM HIS OWN SUPPORT CATEGORY) - Tony Blair

BEST BLAME (FOOT-IN-MOUTH CATEGORY) - Rep. James Moran for his blaming of American Jews for pushing war with Iraq.

BEST ANTI-FRENCH MOVEMENT (BELGIUM CONCEPTION CATEGORY) - Changing french fries to freedom fries

BEST NONAPPEARANCE (WAR INSPIRED BY CATEGORY) - Osama bin laden.

BEST OPINIONS (LEAST NEEDED TO HEAR CATEGORY) - (tie) Hollywood; Radio talk show hosts.

BEST ADVANTAGE TAKEN FROM AN IMPENDING WAR ("THERE'S NO MANIPULATION, HONEST" CATEGORY) - (Tie) Every fuel company

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A NONENTITY ("HEY, MOM, LOOK! I'M IMPORTANT" CATEGORY) -- U.N. Security Council member, Cameroon's non support vote for Iraqi invasion

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A REALLY ANGRY "AXIS OF EVIL" COUNTRY WITH WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION WHO IS KNOW TO SELL THEM TO ANYONE WHO HAS THE CASH, THAT IS NOT BEING INVADED (NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM CATEGORY) - North Korea

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A MADMAN (SOON TO BECOME DUST CATEGORY) - Saddam Hussein.

As the after award parties continue long into the night, we'll see you at next year's awards in what's left over at the Baghdad Spago



JWR contributor Steve Young, Prism Award winner and Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, is contributing editor at the Writers Guild of America's "Written By" magazine. He is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful: Mistakes, Adversity, Failure and Other Stepping Stones to Success," "The 130 Tales of Winchell Mink," Harper Collins (Winter, 2003) and the director/writer of "My Dinner With Ovitz." His website is www.greatfailure.com. Comment by clicking here.

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02/18/03: The Sting, Part II: Osama turns himself in
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02/07/03: LET'S GET RID OF SADDAM --- ON EBAY!
01/23/03: Can we really blame HBO for terrorism?
01/09/03: You can buy your very own family...on eBay
01/02/03: A look back at a sorry but pretty funny year
12/30/02: Using 2002ís failures to make a successful 2003
12/20/02: McCartney Credit Reverse Sets A Dangerous Precedent
12/18/02: Radio talk takes a surprise hit
12/16/02: Apologies running rampant: The country is in a sorry state
12/13/02: Lott apologizes for his apologies
12/09/02: FDA OKAYS "SOLARIS" FOR TREATMENT OF SLEEP APNEA
11/26/02: Finding the McTunity within their McFailure
11/15/02: Can the Dems learn from Lincoln's failures?
11/06/02: The Day After... who'll comfort me now?
11/04/02: We can all fight ageism!
10/29/02: Was I totally responsible for the market's upsurge?
10/09/02: Finding The Bull Within: Wall Street Needs To Rethink The "F" Word
10/01/02: Merriam-Webster Needs To Rethink the "F" word
09/25/02: Held up in the passing lane ... and life's other positive curve balls
09/23/02: Shrinking the waist problem: Using Good Old American Failure To Lose Inches
09/17/02: Earth to Florida: No more elections
09/11/02: The humor will return. Just not yet
09/09/02: Bush coalition on fast track
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08/21/02: Insider trading...it's a good thing
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07/29/02: ROCKIN' RENO: The Newest Political Strategy For Filling The Coffers
07/23/02: Is Wall Street the enemy? No, but that's where the enemy hides
07/10/02: Cooking the books
06/27/02: Apocalypse now!?
06/14/02: Coulter for the defense?
05/21/02: SUICIDE BOMBER KILLS SELF! NO ONE ELSE INJURED! Inept bomber is refused entrance into Paradise. 72 Virgins breathe sigh of relief
05/19/02: Hey world! How about trying the shoe on the other foot hypotheses
05/13/02: AM Radio and Enron
05/03/02: "Deep Throat" to Be Revealed ... But will America Swallow It!?
04/29/02: Britney Spears next in line to blast off into orbit
04/22/02: Former Liberal Seeks Conservative Book Deal
04/15/02: If you truly care about America, you'll read this column
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03/27/02: The Fightin' Righties
03/20/02: Woody Allen refuses to cast self...
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02/19/02: Greenspan Announces Lower (Television Network) Interest Rates
02/15/02: Ken Lay sells soul to the devil: Beelzebub loses life's savings
02/12/02: Enron's Skilling mistakenly takes the Fourth, forcing him to spill his guts
02/06/02: BOOSTING THE SAGGING ECONOMY: Let Green Stamps be our financial brassiere
01/24/02: "I'M THE ONE!"
01/16/02: Goodbye "Rincoln Continental," we hardry knew ye
01/14/02: "But He Was Such A Good Boy" gene, found to be defective
01/04/02: PLAY BUZKASHI!
12/31/01: Come on war. You can do better!
12/26/01: NOT MY OSAMA!
12/24/01: TIME caves
12/20/01: Finally! Friends of Color
12/14/01: Bin Laden's Funniest Home Videos
12/10/01: What if Catching bin Laden is in dispute?
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11/16/01: Osama not enough for some
11/09/01: Networks at war!
11/05/01: Bridges Over Troubled Water
10/29/01: The other terrorists
10/16/01: Diary Of A Young Defense Department Comedy Writer
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09/25/01: Dissent is walking on red, white and blue egg shells
09/21/01: OPEN LETTER THE MOST HIGH (RE: Falwell and Robertson comments)
09/17/01: Gary, we miss ya
09/10/01: Smelling out a real hero
09/04/01: Don't give up on that dream!
08/24/01: Pitch day at the Mouse
08/21/01: It Depends On What Your Definition Of "Unlimited" Is
08/06/01: IN OPEN LETTER FROM THE NEWS ORGANIZATIONS AND TALK SHOWS OF AMERICA

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© 2002, Steve Young