Jewish World Review Jan. 9, 2003 / 6 Shevat 5763
You can buy your very own family...on eBay
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | One (1) attractive and stylish family of four (mother, father, daughter, son included). Father is a slightly balding, award-winning television writer, inspirational author, children's novelist, and film director. Mother is a gorgeous, multilingual homemaker with a penchant for crafting and cookery. 7 and 9 year old children are lovely and precocious, engaged in advanced elementary school programs. A steal with a 5 million dollar opening bid.
Thank you Bridgeville, Texas. You've given my family renewed hope. I've been banging my head against the wall for years in Hollywood pursuing that big break. Not that I haven't had my share of success, but I'm talking about the big one. The one that sets you up for life, and I've finally found it. Not in Hollywood, but on the Net.
Come this time next week my immediate family, including wife, two beautiful children and I, will be available to the highest bidder on eBay.com.
Before you think this is one of my hilarious, off-the-wall columns, written only to tickle your funny-bone, think again. This is a serious offering and above all, a great investment opportunity for some savvy, family-deprived multi-millionaire.
Sure, you're saying, it's a bargain, but does it pass the sanity test? Well, last month the small town of Bridgeville, Texas, was listed on eBay and sold for over three-quarters of a million dollars. Almost a million dollars for a rundown hamlet with no future. Just think what a flourishing writer with potential television, film and book deals is worth. Think that's nuts? Yeah, nuts like an anchovy pizza. And that's not all...!
If you are the highest bidder, you will also receive the adoration from two congenial children with an affinity for heart-warming, homemade birthday cards and copiousness, candy-coated smiles for both family and legal benefactors. All that, plus, my wife! A woman who both supported me through the tough times and, believe it or not, hare-brained ideas to survive those tough times.
You'll not only get a wonderful new family, but benefits beyond your dreams. As well as my lasting thanks, everything I write from this point on will be yours. That's right! You can be an author without the drudgery of actually writing. Imagine the thrill of watching you name flow by hurriedly on television and film credits. Children everywhere will go to bed reading your words, repeating your name. Everyone wants to be a director, well now you are one. And every single credit and award I win, is yours. Who doesn't want to stand up before scillions of viewers and accept marginal awards and accolades. The feeling is priceless, or in your case, something over 5 million.
Just imagine the pride you'll feel when you show up at the children's school shows and Little League games. They'll be singing and hitting one out for YOU!
You'll be the envy of all the other billionaires as you get to show off your new family at country club affairs, corporate picnics and celebrity photo-ops.
And there are other benefits...
We will change our last name to yours and our children will carry on your name ad honor well after you're gone.
If you are unable to attend the children's school programs or participate in family holiday dinners, monthly videos will keep you up to date on your family's latest meaningful experiences.
Every dollar I make, will be yours, allowing only exceptional school allowances at exceptional schools for your kids, with room and board for ma and pa at an estate of our choice.
And if you want us to live close enough for your patriarchal (or matriarchal) visits, we're there.
So, be sure to visit: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2905270846
Get your bid in early and often. Summer is coming and we're looking forward to spending it with YOU.
(This is an advanced offering that can only be acquired by bidding under the rules and regulations of eBay.com. Federal and state taxes apply. Family members will not be sold separately. Of course, since you cannot actually sell humans or their parts on eBay, this should be considered a sale of complete family services. It's close enough.)
01/02/03: A look back at a sorry but pretty funny year