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Jewish World Review April 9, 2002 / 28 Nisan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Jodie Foster stars in the smash-hit movie Panic Room. It's about a fortified room inside a house where residents hide when they feel threatened. It's based on a true story, but Jodie Foster is so much easier on the eyes than Yasser Arafat.

Hillary Clinton said Israel has the right to do whatever it takes to defend its people against terror attacks. Her words are taken seriously by Israelis. It Takes a Village is required reading for every tank commander in the West Bank.

President Bush and Tony Blair held an awkward joint press briefing Saturday. One wants to attack Iraq but can't say so, while the other wants to negotiate with Iraq but can't say so. Laurel and Hardy looked better pushing a piano up a hill.

Tony Blair warned Saddam Hussein he must allow weapons inspectors into Iraq. The dictator is very crafty. We would have to send a missile expert, a geologist and a proctologist, on the assumption that he could be hiding these weapons anywhere.

The Royal Family led a parade in London Friday in honor of the Queen Mother. She was born during the reign of Queen Victoria. To give you an idea of just how long she's been around, she met her husband at a Chicago Cubs World Series game.

Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge said America is under a yellow alert signifying a moderate threat of terror attack. The alerts go up to red and down to blue. If the signal has no color, it means that we're under the threat of an Al Gore comeback.

Florida's Health Department printed cocktail napkin warnings to mark Sexual Assault Awareness Month. It's a serious effort. The National Guard has installed Kennedy Detectors at all Florida airports until the threat of spring break has receded.

Hillary Clinton spent all weekend in California raising money for Democratic Governor Gray Davis. She's a huge star out here. Any woman who can sell worthless real estate and overlook adultery has, what we call in Los Angeles, the right stuff.

GOP governor candidate Bill Simon ripped Democrats for classroom overcrowding in California. He visited one grade school where forty students sat in a room that was designed to seat twenty. We're just trying to prepare them for air travel.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton