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Jewish World Review March 12, 2002 / 28 Adar, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... -- The Screen Actors Guild held the union's annual motion picture and television awards ceremony Sunday in Beverly Hills. Terrorism alerts issued from Washington couldn't stop the fun. Security was at an all-time high, and so was Robert Downey Jr.

Bob Hope celebrated his 99th birthday with family and friends at his home in Toluca Lake Friday. They sang Happy Birthday to him on the back patio. Delores Hope stood by with a sledgehammer in case Anna Nicole Smith popped out of the cake.

NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue said Sunday that he wants an NFL team in Los Angeles by 2004. There's no local support for the idea. People in Los Angeles would love to have an NFL team, it's just that nobody has time for the jury duty.

President Bush drew raves for his stand-up comedy performance Saturday at the Gridiron Club dinner in Washington. This guy is funny. He destroyed the room so completely, Saudi Arabia had to offer a peace proposal just to get him off the stage.

Dick Cheney met with Prime Minister Tony Blair in London Monday. The leaders discussed terrorism, a war with Iraq, and use of nuclear weapons. ESPN just reported that the Final Four is going to be the United States, Great Britain, Israel and Canada.

President Bush told the Pentagon to prepare nuclear war plans against China, Russia, Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Libya and Syria. The country is solidly behind him. There's nothing Americans enjoy more after a slow February than March Madness.

Colin Powell told CBS that nuclear attack plans against Iran, Russia, Iraq, North Korea, China and Syria were merely conceptual. It was only a contingency plan. We won't do anything until we are sure D-cell batteries can replace gasoline.

Iraq said Sunday it would not allow U.N. inspectors ever to return in search of any weapons of mass destruction. The United States is preparing a response. Sometimes, it becomes necessary to destroy the village in order to save Ted Koppel.

MIT scientists fixed a rat's defective immune system Friday by using stem cells obtained through cloning. There's certainly no shortage of rats to experiment on. The law schools are graduating them faster than the tobacco companies can feed them.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton