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Jewish World Review March 7, 2002 / 23 Adar, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... -- President Bush slapped a 30 percent tariff on steel Tuesday, sparking trade wars with Europe, tensions with Japan and reprisals by China. He's fighting a drug war, a terror war and a trade war. The question is, what's everybody's problem with Bobby Knight?

Democrats demanded more information about the War on Terrorism this week on Capitol Hill. It's expanding beyond control. Monday there was strafing, sniper fire, and casualties when comedians were spotted entering the building at ABC News.

Ted Koppel lashed out at ABC Disney executives Tuesday who had said Nightline was irrelevant in today's world. These executives are based in Los Angeles. They think Nightline is that stuff on the coffee table that keeps you up all night.

Sam Donaldson and Cokie Roberts were reported to be leaving their ABC Sunday news talk show. The network wants to attract a younger male audience. This Week with Sam and Cokie is about to be replaced by Last Night with Pamela and Tommy Lee.

The Hubble Space Telescope underwent an extensive repair job Wednesday which included lens cleaning, new batteries and the attachment of wing stabilizers. What good is this thing? We are never going to find Osama bin Laden in the Heavens.

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarek arrived at the White House Tuesday for high level Mideast peace talks. The Bush Administration has close sentimental ties to Cairo. Egypt invented the pyramid four thousand years before Enron perfected it.

Zimbabwe holds national elections Sunday but human rights groups and foreign observers say the elections will be neither free nor fair. Everybody knows that the fix is in. Whoever wins, the new president will be sworn into office by Don King.

Roseanne Barr ended another marital saga Wednesday by filing for divorce from her husband-bodyguard Ben Thomas. It's being said around town that he wants a $10 million settlement. No way, for that kind of money he should have to live with her.

Mike Tyson was granted a hearing before the Washington D.C. Boxing Commission this week where he will seek permission to box Lennox Lewis in June. That's the nation's capital in a nutshell. You bite off a guy's ear and they give you a hearing.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton