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Jewish World Review Feb. 28, 2002 / 16 Adar, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... -- The Washington Wizards announced Michael Jordan will have knee surgery that could knock him out the rest of the year. It's no surprise. Orthopedic surgeons warned him that he was too old to beg his wife for forgiveness on a hardwood floor.

  • NBA star Jayson Williams faces reckless manslaughter charges in the shotgun death of his driver in his New Jersey home. It was accidental. Jayson Williams was famous as a great outside shooter but unfortunately the limo driver was inside.

  • Enron's Jeff Skilling and Sherron Watkins testified before the U.S. Senate Tuesday. They spent eight hours spinning, skating on thin ice and landing on their feet. The Olympic judges just announced they will award a third gold medal in the pairs event.

  • Columbia University said Monday a fourth of all liquor in the U.S. is consumed by teenagers. They're doing their patriotic duty. During the Super Bowl, President Bush told them that if they use illegal drugs, they are just helping the terrorists.

  • The U.S. Senate Ethics Committee will investigate Senator Robert Torricelli for taking gifts from a campaign contributor. He got a Rolex watch, an Oriental rug, Italian suits and cash. It's the first Senate investigation ever hosted by Bob Barker.

  • President Bush decided last week to store U.S. nuclear waste near Las Vegas. It's amazing. Who would've believed that the man who restored honor and dignity to the White House would someday be responsible for showgirls who glow in the dark?

  • The White House announced Tuesday an expansion in the war on terrorism. They are sending U.S. troops to the former Soviet Republic of Georgia. A near riot broke out in Los Angeles when 60,000 women turned out to audition for the role of Scarlett.

  • Saudi Arabia's Prince Abdullah proposed granting Arab recognition of Israel if Israel agrees to retreat to their pre-1967 borders. No one remembers what those were. That was so long ago that the Axis of Evil was known as the Nexus of Naughty.

  • President Bush unveiled Monday a welfare reform plan that encourages welfare mothers to get married. He wants to spend $300 million for government marriage counseling. It sounds like Chelsea Clinton just scored her first government contract.

  • The GAO sued Dick Cheney to turn over the Energy Task Force records. He says whoever he meets in the White House is nobody's business. You would think that after one year, they would have gotten Bill Clinton's speeches off the TelePrompTer.

  • The Pentagon scrapped the new Office of Strategic Influence over fears that the office might spread false information to confuse America's enemies. Donald Rumsfeld pledged that he would always tell reporters the truth. Now that he's got money in the bank and Nixon is dead, telling the truth is a risk-free proposition.

    JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


    © 2002, Argus Hamilton