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Jewish World Review March 31, 2002 / 18 Nisan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | The Academy Awards ceremony was slammed Monday because the War on Terrorism wasn't mentioned all night. Hollywood is impervious to terrorism. Every time somebody gets poison in the mail they inject it into a wrinkle to see if it'll help.

Aetna was sued for slavery reparations Tuesday for writing insurance policies on American slaves 150 years ago. This thing is going nowhere. The country's response to the lawsuit was, essentially, take two Oscars and call me in the morning.

Paul McCartney will appear at Queen Elizabeth's jubilee in June. He just did the Super Bowl and the Oscars, and he's about to tour America and even play Las Vegas. He's busier that a shrapnel salesman at the Arab Summit in Beirut this week.

The Arab League Summit got underway Wednesday in Beirut to discuss the Saudi peace initiative. The delegates were a little cranky from their flights into town. The planes were jam-packed under Iran Airways' new Hostages Fly Free program.

The White House pledged $5 million to bring Iraqi emigres together in Europe to plan the governing of Iraq after the departure of Saddam Hussein. Let's hope they're in good health. The ones we assembled in 1959 for Cuba are all about 95 now.

Washington D.C.'s former Mayor Marion Berry was found Sunday with a small amount of cocaine powder under his nose. It won't hurt his political career. The news that he's not smoking it anymore is a sign that his recovery is coming right along.

Arthur Andersen CEO Joseph Berardino resigned Tuesday with his firm facing criminal charges, Congressional hearings, and the loss of clients. It's a new image for accountants. In the next Bond movie, the villain is an auditor named Ledger Domain.

Gov. Gray Davis pledged $250 million to help San Francisco obtain the 2012 Summer Olympics. You can't make it up. In order to avoid another flag-waving display of American patriotism, the IOC is considering the town that raised John Walker Lindh.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton