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Jewish World Review April 1, 2002 / 20 Nisan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Jesse Jackson volunteered Wednesday to fly to the Middle East and negotiate peace with America's enemies in the region. His offer to go there was quickly turned down by the administration. Apparently we're not THAT mad at the terrorists.

Boston's Logan Airport had to be evacuated Tuesday after a janitor mistakenly unplugged a metal detector. This was an accident waiting to happen. There just aren't enough outlets for the metal detector, the boom box and the vacuum cleaner.

NBC News says nuclear power plants nationwide are removing the word nuclear from their names. They're now Energy Centers and Generating Stations. This week, Nevada must go to court to prevent their state from being used as a storage facility for Miracle Glow.

The New York Yankees begin the defense of their American League crown today at Baltimore's Camden Yard. There will be lots of lawmakers in attendance from the nation's capital. John McCain will be on hand to throw out the First Amendment.

President Bush refused to invite John McCain to the campaign finance reform signing ceremony Wednesday. How bitter is their relationship? The Arab League just appointed a terrorist to come to Washington to facilitate peace talks between them.

The NRA filed suit against campaign finance reform signed by President Bush Wednesday, saying it penalizes free speech and violates the First Amendment. This is a fight to watch. The last time Charlton Heston confronted a Bush, his beard turned white.

The Ottawa Citizen said Syria, the PLO, Iraq and Iran are planning to launch a war in the Middle East. The U.S. State Department is asleep at the switch. They're under the impression that the Final Four are Maryland, Indiana, Kansas and Oklahoma.

Coors signed a $300 million sponsorship deal to become the official beer of the National Football League. It's the weakest beer on the market. In addition, Coors outbid General Foods to become the official Kool-Aid of the Cartoon Network.

Australia unveiled an electronic shark repellent for swimmers on Wednesday. You attach it to your ankle and it emits a beam to keep sharks away. Sure it works in the ocean, but just try it some evening at Hooters on Lawyers Get In Free Night.

Journal Science warned against watching three or more hours of TV every day. Research shows it greatly increases the risk a person will become violent. If that's true, Israel made a big mistake locking Yasser Arafat inside his headquarters.

The Arab Summit in Beirut approved the Arab Peace Plan Thursday. It's a new world. Arab Peace Plan is a three-word phrase no one's ever heard before, like French Victory Parade, Mexican Computer Technology, and American Troop Withdrawal.

The White House wants to pull out of the treaty setting up the International Criminal Court. Bill Clinton signed the treaty a month before leaving office. At the time, he was signing whatever the Independent Counsel put in front of him.

A USA Today poll says Americans prefer a clean-shaven Al Gore by five to one. That beard was political suicide. Reminding people of Abe Lincoln was not going to help him carry Tennessee and Arkansas, which was his problem in the first place.

Marion Barry said Thursday he was set up by police when cocaine was found in his car. He insists he's clean, sober and fit to run for city council. As long as there's a Washington D.C., Burger King cannot call itself the Home of the Whopper.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton