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Jewish World Review March 15, 2002 / 2 Nisan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | GOP Chairman Dan Burton issued a congressional committee report accusing Bill Clinton of encouraging his relatives to profit by lobbying for pardons. The ex- president responded to his longtime pursuer with a two- word statement. Beep Beep.

The Immigration and Naturalization Service approved student visas Monday for two of the World Trade Center bombers. What a security breach. Now the whole world knows which branch of the government has been in a cave since September 11th.

Mike Tyson was granted a boxing license by Washington D.C. to fight for the heavyweight title. He has been convicted of rape, road rage assault and sexual battery. Everyone's just grateful that Washington didn't grant him a pilot's license.

Ted Koppel lectured ABC executives in Hollywood Tuesday after comedian David Letterman decided not to jump ship and replace Nightline. The newsman certainly showed courage. Only Indiana Jones was ever surrounded by more snakes in one room.

Egypt agreed Wednesday to try to convince Iraq to allow weapons inspectors to return. It's no secret why President Bush would use nuclear weapons to destroy Saddam Hussein. It's human nature to want to do a little better than your parents did.

President Bush lauded U.S. troops who routed Al Qaeda in the Shah-e-Kot mountains. The enemy emerged from their caves firing machine guns, grenade launchers, and anti-tank rockets. Only Rosie O'Donnell made more noise coming out in the last week.

President Bush said Wednesday he has no respect for Saddam Hussein after the man used poison gas on his own people. He said it three times. The idea is to do commercials for his brother's campaign against Janet Reno as subtly as possible.

President Bush declared Wednesday he has marginalized Osama bin Laden. He no longer controls a country and has no place to train terrorists. In fact, Osama bin Laden is "this" close to opening a political consulting firm with James Carville.

President Robert Mugabe won a disputed election Tuesday in Zimbabwe. Voters used a controversial punch card ballot. To make each vote count, the president's supporters were instructed to punch all the way through the president's opponents.

The Detroit Lions said Saturday their new stadium's playing surface was made out of recalled Firestone tires. It sounds slippery. Firestone's corporate flag shows a car broken up into 13 parts above an inscription that reads No Tread on Me.

The New York Yankees were rocked by internal problems Tuesday. Ruben Rivera stole a glove, Dwight Gooden got a DUI and Darryl Strawberry broke his parole. New York is changing to name of Yankee Stadium to the Halfway House that Ruth Built.

The Justice Department threatened Arthur Andersen with indictment Wednesday if they don't plead guilty to charges of corrupt bookkeeping in the Enron case. The one thing the U.S. government does extremely well is to protect shareholders. If Osama bin Laden had been on the board of Enron, we would have caught him by now.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton