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Jewish World Review April 2, 2002 / 20 Nisan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Yasser Arafat remained holed up inside his compound on Sunday, threatened with removal from office. He demanded to be rescued. Considering his relations with the Jews, he thought at the very least the Nixon Library would send a helicopter.

The Red Crescent delivered cell phone batteries to Yasser Arafat Saturday. He is really isolated. He's telephoned every leader he thought might help, but so far, Bobby Knight is the only one who didn't let the answering machine take the call.

Pentagon sources revealed Sunday that U.S. forces in Afghanistan have captured al-Qaeda leader Abu Zubaydah. He's quite a trophy. Although there was no dollar amount reward on the head of Abu Zubaydah, his name is worth a million points in Scrabble.

The Navy began force-feeding two al-Qaeda prisoners at Guantanamo Sunday after they refused food for thirty days. Doctors became alarmed. When they heard the prisoners wishing each other happy Passover, it was obvious they were starting to hallucinate.

The Organization of the Islamic Conference holds its annual meeting in the Malaysian capital of Kuala Lumpur this week. Kuala Lumpur is home to the world's tallest building. This is the biggest risk a city's taken for money since Memphis agreed to host the Tyson fight.

The Secret Service arrested a truck driver Sunday for allegedly threatening President Bush. This proves that it's just not safe for him to go jogging on the highway. Nobody's seen a Republican in the middle of the road since Eisenhower.

President Bush encouraged further Middle East peace talks Friday and warned Baghdad of future U.S. attacks. He said Iraq has the most dangerous, reckless and unpredictable government in the world. Everyone agrees that he's far too modest.

Tony Blair flies to Crawford Friday to plan an attack on Iraq with President Bush. Talk about courageous leaders. If the war had already begun, they would both rate the Silver Star just for meeting in Texas in the middle of tornado season.

Bill Clinton told Newsweek that he's still angry over all the criticism that was heaped on him at the end of his term. He said he was mugged on the way out of office. Only Bill Clinton could take the furniture, the paintings, and a $12 million book deal and think he was robbed.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton