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Jewish World Review March 1, 2002 / 17 Adar, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... -- The Houston Astros reached financial agreement on Wednesday to buy back the name of their ballpark from Enron. The organization wants a name that's less associated with catastrophe and loss. They're going to rename it Vietnam War Stadium.

The Weather Channel reported a brutal cold front swept across America Monday and headed toward the Atlantic seaboard. Record low temperatures prevailed. On Tuesday, it was so cold in Washington that Jeff Skilling was sticking to his story.

President Bush flew to North Carolina to campaign for U.S. Senate candidate Elizabeth Dole. Her conservative primary opponents claim she is tied to Enron. It's not often that recipients of tobacco money get to enjoy the moral high ground.

The Gallup Poll out Tuesday shows widespread hatred of America in the Middle East. The threat of terror is spreading. Scientists in Chicago set the Doomsday Clock forward another two minutes every time charges are dropped against Mike Tyson.

Attorney General John Ashcroft deployed the National Guard Tuesday to patrol America's border with Canada for any sign of terrorist threats. Everything is getting back to normal. Now that the Olympics are over, ice skates are a weapon again.

Janet Reno drove around Florida in a red pick-up truck this week to reassure voters that her health is fine. She had the truck bed lined with Astroturf. She doesn't know what it's for, but she heard it brought Bill Clinton all kinds of luck.

Hillary Clinton appeared on a panel Tuesday with Laura Bush at a Washington event to promote schoolteaching. Hillary is a big admirer of Laura. If she had had a first lady that popular when she was president, things might have gone better.

Monica Lewinsky denies craving the spotlight on her HBO show Sunday. She was fired as TV performing spokesperson in Jenny Craig Diet commercials, which were very effective. Most people who saw the commercials couldn't eat for days.

The U.S. government is trying to get Osama bin Laden's relatives to give DNA samples to see if the DNA matches the corpse of a tall Arab man recently killed in Afghanistan. The government wants to conduct a test, but they don't know what Osama's DNA looks like. If he gets an L.A. jury, it looks like life on the golf course.

Fox Sports announced Wednesday they have signed Tonya Harding to box Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher on March 13th. It's a tactic known as counter-programming. This will give more sophisticated sports fans a viewing alternative during the National Cockfighting Championships at an undisclosed location in Southeast Oklahoma.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton