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Jewish World Review March 18, 2002 / 5 Nisan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | The New York Yankees kicked Ruben Rivera off the team for stealing Derek Jeter's glove in the locker room. It teaches kids an important lesson. The difference between baseball and politics is, if you get caught stealing in baseball, you're out.

The Sultan of Oman asked Dick Cheney for regional peace and $1 billion worth of F-16 fighter jets. It's an honest misunderstanding. No matter how tight the security, Dick Cheney has got to stop entering these buildings through the chimney.

The Justice Department indicted Arthur Andersen Thursday for shredding truckloads of documents to destroy evidence during the Enron probe. It's not all bad news for the company. Bill Clinton just called and asked them to do his taxes.

The Transportation Department issued an order Thursday making it illegal for airport screeners to give security pat-downs to the opposite sex. It's the end of an era. This was the last federal workplace to take down President Clinton's picture.

Rosie O'Donnell came out of the closet in a Thursday interview on ABC's 20/20. She said being a gay parent is just the same as being a straight parent. When the kids are about 12, you have that talk with them about the birds and the birds.

Tipper Gore spent Friday considering a run for the open U.S. Senate seat in Tennessee. She knows her rights. Under the terms of the Geneva Convention, all political prisoners must be treated equal, meaning whatever Hillary gets, she gets.

The Pentagon conducted its fourth successful test of the U.S. missile defense system. A rocket smashed into a dummy missile 140 miles over the Pacific. Now the question is, how are we going to lure the terrorists into hijacking a dummy missile?

Vietnam suspended the press credentials of three reporters after their state-run newspaper published a survey showing Bill Clinton was more popular than Vietnam's prime minister. How childish of the Hanoi government. If you're taking a poll of the Sexiest Communist Alive, you have to let the chips fall where they may.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton