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Jewish World Review March 6, 2002 / 22 Adar, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... -- Senator Conrad Burns was halted at airport security because the screener had never seen a Senate ID card. They're like baseball cards. They show his name, his photograph, and how much money he returned to Enron following the 2001 season.

Comedian Kevin Meaney threw a tantrum at SFO airport on Sunday and grabbed a soldier's gun. He was arrested. Most comedians can only take a hundred straight nights of saying what a fine job the president is doing before totally flipping out.

ABC Nightline may be replaced by Late Show's David Letterman. Young viewers prefer comedy to the news. There's only one way to get younger people interested in the news, but President Bush says there is no need for a military draft just yet.

Ted Koppel accused ABC of malicious conduct for trying to cancel a respected news show for comedy. He's not the only one fighting to keep his job. Next week, Peter Jennings will end every newscast by smashing a watermelon with a sledgehammer.

Attorney General John Ashcroft confirmed Monday that the FBI is collecting DNA samples from Al Qaeda and Taliban prisoners being held in Cuba. This is an outrage. Where in the Geneva Convention does it say they get an intern program?

U.S. war commander Gen. Tommy Franks accidentally told reporters on Monday that sacrifice will be needed as we continue the war in Vietnam. It was one scary moment. After all, the president is from Texas and there's a Clinton at Oxford.

President Bush went to Ford's Theater Monday for a gala saluting pop culture. The show featured singers, magicians and actors. Security was so tight that David Copperfield had to saw a woman in half with a towel from the dressing room.

The Senate Monday fiercely debated an election reform provision that requires first-time voters to show a photo ID. Democrats oppose the idea. Poll workers in Chicago have enough to do without running through the cemeteries taking snapshots.

Nancy Reagan just published the paperback edition of all the love letters her husband wrote to her. It is so romantic. Not to be outdone, Hillary Clinton plans to publish all the fundraising letters her husband wrote to her.

Monica Lewinsky was interviewed on the Larry King Show Thursday. She said if Hollywood makes a movie about the scandal, she would like Neve Campbell to play her. Bill Clinton said if they get Neve Campbell to play Monica, he'll play himself.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton