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Jewish World Review March 13, 2002 / 29 Adar, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Dick Cheney discussed war plans with Tony Blair in London on Monday. He just finished setting up a U.S. shadow government. It was created so if a nuclear bomb ever hit Washington, campaign contributors would still get their phone calls returned.

Tom Ridge unveiled a color-code system for labeling terror threats. They are labeled Yellow, Green, Orange, Red and Blue. The next day he was sued by Asians, Irish, Protestants, Indians and Viagrans for reducing them to the status of mascots.

Yasser Arafat was allowed to leave his house by Israeli soldiers Monday. He told reporters he has no idea who is behind the wave of terrorism. Performances like this one make him the early favorite to win the Oscar for Best Animated Short.

The Washington Times reports a Navy pilot shot down by Iraq in 1991 is still being held inside a Baghdad jail. It's important to get him released as soon as possible. No one knows how long it's going to take to explain the Clinton Era to him.

The DEA seized five tons of marijuana from a produce truck at the U.S.-Mexican border. It was an honest misunderstanding. Last October, when President Bush stood before Congress said let's roll, people in Los Angeles took it the wrong way.

ABC released a poll Monday of American attitudes about the War on Terrorism. The survey revealed that 88 percent of Americans approve of President Bush's handling of the war. The number would be even higher if Al Gore hadn't had so many children.

President Bush will go to Germany, France and Russia in May to discuss their roles in the war on terrorism. They're all laid out. Russia is in charge of fuel supplies, Germany is in charge of ordnance and France is in charge of refreshments.

The Los Angeles Sunday Times revealed Pentagon plans for nuclear war against Syria, Iraq, Iran, Libya, Russia, China and North Korea. You can imagine the reaction on the set of NBC's West Wing. Producer Aaron Sorkin would have gone a lot easier on this administration if he had known they were hooked on mushrooms, too.

The Los Angeles Olympic Organizing Committee Chairman said Tuesday that L.A. will have to build two brand-new shooting ranges from scratch if the city wants to host the 2012 Games. That's ridiculous. What's wrong with the freeways we have?

Fort Worth's Chante Mallard struck a hobo with her car and let him stay stuck in her windshield three days until he died. She's now under house arrest in Texas. That's the only thing that's keeping her from boxing Tonya Harding this week on Fox.

Gary Condit was beaten in the Democratic primary for re-election to Congress last Tuesday. He had asked the voters to consider his record. Unfortunately for him, three stewardesses in one weekend is nowhere near the record for a Congressman.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton