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Jewish World Review March 25, 2002 / 12 Nisan, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | The Academy Awards were held last night at Hollywood's Kodak Theater amidst heavy security. Only one terrorist managed to get through. Just before the show started, the police caught Kevin Costner trying to run into the theater with one of his movies strapped to his chest.

President Bush spoke with border agents in El Paso Thursday. He toured a bus seized because it had secret compartments containing 1,500 pounds of cocaine. Now everyone in L.A. had to stay awake during the Oscars without any assistance.

The New York Times reported the Democratic Party received a $7 million check from cartoon producer Haim Saban. It makes perfect sense. If you put goggles on Hillary Clinton and antlers on Al Gore, they'd look just like Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Senator John McCain emerged victorious Tuesday as the Senate passed campaign finance reform that outlaws unlimited soft money donations. It's unprecedented. Congress could be the first brothel in history to be put out of business by a John.

Democrats vowed Thursday to force a vote on the president's plan to privatize Social Security. It would help taxpayers invest in mutual funds. Now that Bill Clinton is out of the White House, Fidelity sounds like a safe investment again.

Greg the Bunny premieres Wednesday night this fall on the Fox Network. This is a situation comedy about a world where people and puppets don't get along. Every time a U.S. president goes to Latin America, five TV writers get the same idea.

Four Pakistani men disappeared in Virginia after the INS allowed them to leave their ship in Norfolk and come ashore without visas. We shouldn't be too hard on the INS. For crying out loud, how much damage can four guys from the Middle East do?

Congress agreed to probe SUV safety complaints to try to protect passengers sitting in the third row from rear- end collisions. Swift action is certain. How can Congress be against airbags on the third row when they pioneered the concept?

U.S. soldiers in Kabul played a basketball game against an Afghan team which ended in violence. An American was kicked in the head and an Afghan spectator was shot in the leg. The Los Angeles City Council promptly named Kabul its Sister City.

Minneapolis built a bronze statue of Mary Tyler Moore for the recognition she brought the city. Take a good look. Until the Catholic Church scandals die down, this is the only statue of Mary anyone's going to see in a public square for awhile.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton