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Jewish World Review March 11, 2002 / 27 Adar, 5762

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... -- Enron was slammed by the SEC Friday for paying their CEO $1.3 million a year even though the company is in bankruptcy. Enron's always been generous to its executives. Over the years, only David Letterman made more money kidding the public.

President Bush signed the economic stimulus bill Saturday. This year, he has raised tariffs, extended unemployment benefits and signed job creation bills. If he acts any more like a Democrat, he's going to start taking roles away from Alec Baldwin.

Prime Minister Tony Blair was assailed by pacifists in Parliament Friday who oppose any war against Iraq. Britain's Parliament consists of the House of Lords and the House of Commons. This system survived in America as First Class and Coach.

Ford unveiled the 2003 Escape Hybrid SUV that gets 40 mpg in the city. It is the Middle East peace plan we've been looking for. If soccer moms can get 40 miles a gallon, Saudi Arabia is ten years away from being back in the goat business.

Los Angeles Airport was shut down Thursday when a state-of-the-art luggage scanner identified a Cuisinart as an explosive. This could only happen at LAX. All kitchen equipment is considered suspect ever since Emeril's sitcom bombed on NBC.

Saudi Arabia offered peace to Israel if it would return to pre-1967 borders. Israel would have to agree to reduce its width to ten miles. Before that happens, the Boy Scouts of America will vote unanimously to hold their Jubilee at Holy Cross Seminary.

Arab foreign ministers met in Cairo to discuss the new Mideast peace plan. Don't get your hopes up. At the hotel where they were staying, every room had a chocolate mint on the pillow and a complimentary copy of Mein Kampf on the nightstand.

Slobodan Milosevic continued as his own lawyer at his war crimes trial at the Hague Friday. He told the tribunal that his Serbian troops were fighting a well-oiled terrorist machine. The bombs inside their tennis shoes were factory-installed.

Osama bin Laden was described Friday by one of his five wives as still being alive because his death would be too huge to suppress. She's so right. News of his death would be on the front page of the New York Times, on the front page of the Washington Post, and in the Calendar section of the L.A. Times under Oscar No-Shows.

President Bush held a Rose Garden press conference on Thursday. He announced he was cracking down on corporate and accounting misconduct. Of course he is, and twenty minutes later, the Democratic Party told the NAACP to go fend for itself.

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.


© 2002, Argus Hamilton