Jewish World Review Feb. 23, 2001 / 30 Shevat, 5761
http://www.jewishworldreview.com -- Greg Crosby: "Thank you very much, sir, for granting me this very special one-on-one interview. I realize you have an incredibly full agenda these days and I want you to know just how much I appreciate you taking the time to be with me."
President Bush: "Thatís okay, Tubby -- no offense. I give everybody nicknames, yíknow. I like nicknames."
GC: "Er, yes sir, I know, but if I may ask ... could you please come up with a different nickname for me? Iím kind of sensitive about my weight."
PB: "Hey, no problem, Baggy-eyes."
GC: "Just call me Tubby. To start with, sir, I wonder if I might get your reaction to some national events which have occurred since youíve taken office."
PB: "Sure thing."
GC: "Recently you had some of the Kennedy clan over to the White House to watch a screening of the movie, ĎThirteen Daysí which is about JFK and the Cuban missile crisis. The Kennedys are not exactly your biggest fans. Why did you do it?
PB: "Iím a uniter, not a divider. Iím a compassionate conservative. In my administration, no Kennedy will be left behind. Besides, Teddy was bringing the popcorn and the Raisinettes."
GC: " What is your reaction to the Jesse Jackson scandal?"
PB: "If you mean the adultery thing, I called Rev. Jackson and told him I was praying for him."
GC: "Yes, but donít you think that engaging in adulterous behavior, especially when such behavior is done over the course of years with the result of bringing a child into the world, somewhat erodes Mr. Jacksonís position as a credible moral leader and man of the cloth?"
PB: "Hey, we all make mistakes, know what I mean?"
GC: " In Mr. Jacksonís case, this was not just a one time slip-up. He had been involved with this young woman, one of his subordinates, for quite awhile before he got her pregnant. His intention was to keep this secret, but one of the tabloids got wind of it and forced Mr. Jackson out into the open.
There also appears to be some question of siphoning money out of one of Jacksonís tax-exempt charities to pay for this womanís move and set her up in a new home. As our new president, the man who wants to restore dignity and decency and morals to our country, donít you think, sir, that there might be something else you might say or do relative to this incident?"
PB: "Good point, Fatso.
GC: "Thatís Tubby, sir."
PB: "Good point, Tubby sir. Maybe Iíll invite Jesse and his women over to the White House to watch that new Chris Rock movie. But only if he agrees to bring the munchies. In my administration, no racial demagogue will be left behind."
GC: "Mr. President, your office has released a statement denying the reports that the Clintons took anything at all from Air Force One. Youíve had no comment on the White House trashing or the flap over the $800,000 a year office space that Clinton wanted in New York.
Also, in the wake of the many questionable pardons that Clinton signed before leaving office, including the Marc Rich pardon, you have remained strangely silent. Why, all of a sudden, do you feel a need to ignore or defend Bill Clintonís actions?
PB: "Well, Iím a uniter not a divider. I believe in being a compassionate conservative. I think itís time for America to move on. And mostly, Clinton can have me "whacked" at any time if Iím not careful!"
GC: "Sir, what about Mexico?"
PB: "Clinton could probably have Mexico "whacked" too. The guy is nuts!"
GC: "No, I mean you have just made a trip to Mexico. There has been talk that you are in favor of opening up the boarder. Is that true?"
PB: Absolutely not! I believe in keeping our boarders secure. Now, having said that, I think thereís room in our country for Mexico."
GC: "You mean thereís room in our country for Mexicans who want to migrate to the U.S.?
PB: "No. I mean thereís room in our country for Mexico. I want to bring the whole place right up here. Look at all the wide open-spaces out in the California desert going to waste. Mexico can fit right in there, easy. In my administration, no Mexican will be left behind."
GC: "Mr. President, I donít think you can do that.
PB: "You never know Ďtil you try, Lardo."
GC: "Thatís Tubby. Whatís your opinion of Fox?
PB: "Fair and balanced. Itís my favorite news channel. I never miss Hannity and Four-Eyes."
GC: "No, Mr. President, I was speaking of Vicente Fox, the President of Mexico."
PB: "Oh, was he on with Hannity?"
GC: "I-I donít know, sir. And the show is called Hannity and Colmes."
PB: "Whatever you say, Gordo."
GC: "Thatís Tubby. No, wait. Mr. President, I donít appreciate any of these nicknames youíve been calling me, if youíll pardon me, sir."
PB: "Well, I appreciate that you donít appreciate that, but if you donít mind Iíd rather not discuss the pardon issue at this time."
GC: "Thank you, President Bush."
PB: "President Bush is my father. Call me
JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.
02/13/01: Pregnant and in your face