Jewish World Review Dec. 8, 1999 /29 Kislev, 5760
So Much Going On, So Little Time
Oh boy, are we excited! There’s just so much going on right now it’s hard to contain
our exuberance. First of all, this is the last month of the last year of the last decade of
the last century of the second millennium. Parents, do you know where your children are?
(Note to all you know-it-all smart alecks: Yes, I do understand that technically the
new millennium doesn’t really start until the year 2001 -- but with the exception of you
know-it-all smart alecks, the WHOLE WORLD has decided to celebrate THIS year, see? So either
get with the program or keep quiet already!)
Now, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted? Oh, yes -- millennium
If you’re still looking for a place to celebrate on New Millennium Eve, I hear that
there might be a couple of seats available at The River Cafe in Brooklyn at around $2400 a
pop. Too expensive? Try The 21 Club in Manhattan -- it’s a bargain at only $1,000 a person.
Tell you what -- for $500 each, you can all come over to my place, we’ll call for a pizza,
have a couple of drinks, and watch the world go nuts on TV. Then at the stroke of midnight
we’ll gather around my computer and watch it crash. Now is that a deal, or what?
Which reminds me, is anyone still worried about the Y2K problem? Seems I haven’t
heard much about it lately. Maybe we’ve all just “moved on” like we have with so many other
problems. When we can’t (or won’t) come up with a solution to something we just “move on.”
And speaking of “moving on,” I think it’s time that we all “move on” from using trite clichés
like “moving on.”
As if the impending new millennium isn’t enough to get excited about, we have “the
holiday season” as it’s called in today’s non-exclusionary politically correct climate. “The
holidays” can include Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, Pearl Harbor Day, United
Nations’ Human Rights Day, Day of Our Lady of Guadeloupe, Japanese Serving of the Seasons,
Turkish Whirling Dervishes Festival, and Boxing Day. A little something for everybody. Take
your pick --celebrate any or all of them.
No matter which holiday you choose to celebrate, don’t forget to go out and spend a
fortune on presents -- that’s a must. And you can be sure to find the right present for just
about any holiday on the more than 86,000 shopping sites available on the Internet -- or if
you’re in a rush, go to the mall.
Whichever holiday your child decides to celebrate, remember you can’t go wrong by
buying anything with the word Pokemon on it. Locating specific holiday wrap might be a
little tougher, however.
I grant you it may be easier to find Christmas wrapping paper than Whirling Dervish
Festival wrapping paper, but if you’re creative, I’m sure you can come up with something. If
not, there’s always Martha Stewart’s Guide to Whirling Dervish Holiday Ideas available at
your local bookstore or library.
In addition to millennium countdown, holiday celebrations, and holiday shopping,
there are other things to get excited about -- like all the wonderful new holiday movies
coming out before the end of the year. Say, what could be more festive than Robert DeNiro
playing a man who suffers a stroke being nursed back to health by a transvestite with a heart
of gold? Unless it’s Tom Hanks playing a prison executioner with a heart of gold. Pictures
destined to become holiday perennials. Move over “It’s a Wonderful Life” and “Miracle on
34th Street.” Well okay, in fairness you can take the children to “Toy Story 2” or the
“Pokemon” movie (depending on which brand of toys you want your kids to ask for).
Then, of course, we have the excitement of the Presidential race heating up. I’m
being sarcastic. You could take all the excitement of Gore, Bradley and Bush put together and
still not have enough energy to run a battery operated smoke alarm. Fortunately, like any
good circus, we have clowns like Trump and Beatty and Ventura to keep us awake and laughing.
Oh boy, are we
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JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written
thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a
letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.
11/22/99: The Best Money Can’t Buy
11/15/99: My Peter Pan Generation
11/08/99: Fall Invasion
10/29/99: When my wife was young and Gay
10/22/99: Too Late for Dinner
10/15/99: Pondering, Musing and Supposing
10/05/99: A Message From Your Journalistic Human Interest Commentator
09/24/99: The Getting Away With It Decade
09/17/99: The Scoop of the Century
09/09/99: Important Millennium Advisory
09/03/99: Ask Mr. Politically Correct Man
08/26/99: Broadcasters, Please mind Your Manners
08/19/99: The Golden Age of Jerkdom
08/12/99: Dressing Down...and Out
©1999, Greg Crosby