Jewish World Review Sept. 9, 1999 /29, Elul, 5759
http://www.jewishworldreview.com -- IF YOU HAVENíT HEARD, the new millennium is coming. Of course Iím being a wee bit sarcastic here, because if you havenít heard about the new millennium by now you are either dead or a Galapagos sea turtle -- or perhaps you are a dead Galapagos sea turtle. Or would you rather be a mule?
Yes, the rumors are true. According to my watch, the turn of the century will be here in months, which means several important things: (1) Very soon you will no longer be able to refer to the late eighteen-hundreds as ďthe turn of the century.Ē (2) There are only a few crashing days left until Y2K. (3) If you havenít booked a hotel room for New Yearís Eve yet, you can count on staying home with your cats and watching Dick Clark on TV -- again. And the most important thing of all -- (4) Most of the millennium hype will finally be over.
You might be excited to learn that this is the official column of the millennium.
Thatís right. And to prove that we donít take that responsibility lightly, we will now give you some helpful hints for millennium preparedness.
Be sure youíve stockpiled enough food, water, reference books, board games, clean underwear, candy bars and other necessities to get you through until the NEXT millennium in the event of Y2K computer failures.
Donít forget to have your mail and newspapers stopped, put timers on the lights in your house, and ask a neighbor to water your plants. Oh, wait a minute -- thatís for when you go on vacation. Never mind.
Start worrying NOW about how to reset your VCR time/date gizmo.
Stay tuned to this column for the latest important millennium updates. Wait! Iíve just been handed one now --FLASH! --THIS IS THE LAST MONTH OF SEPTEMBER OF THE MILLENNIUM!
And now weíll answer some of the many millennium questions that have been pouring in:
Q. Who was the sexiest man of the entire millennium?
A. Of course there have been conflicting opinions on this question. The overwhelming consensus, however, seems to narrow it down to two -- either the Byzantine Emperor John II (1118) or me.
Q. Who will Time Magazine name ďMan of the Millennium?Ē
A. See the previous answer.
Q. Who was the sexiest woman of the entire millennium?
A. Maria Ouspenskaya.
Q. What promise does Century 21 hold for the future?
A. I think they guarantee that they can sell your house in 30 days.
Q. Have you caught ďmillennium feverĒ yet?
A. Oh, no. I get shots for that every October.
Q. Which century was the most important one of the last millennium?
A. Whichever one invented Seeís candy.
Q. Where is the absolute best place to be on New Millennium Eve?
A. I think you and anyone else that asks this question should be standing right in the middle of Times Square at the stroke of midnight. Let me know how it goes.
DO YOU HAVE A MILLENNIUM QUESTION?
If so, please keep it to yourself. Iím sick and tired of millennium
JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.