Jewish World Review Nov. 3, 2000 / 5 Mar-Cheshvan 5761
http://www.jewishworldreview.com -- AS THIS will be my last column before election day, it is my last chance to say something profound or witty regarding the presidential candidates. Whether I have ever been profound or witty up until now I will leave to my readers to debate, nevertheless, this column will be my final chance to comment on the presidential contest before the voting takes place on Tuesday.
By all accounts this will be the closest presidential election in many years. The “undecideds,” of which apparently there are still many, could very well make all the difference in the outcome of this race. Why in the world there would be so many “undecideds” at this late juncture, I have no idea.
For many months the policy issues of this campaign have been batted around by a wide variety of columnists, television pundits, partisan spinners, and experts of every stripe. The validity of the “character issue” has been talked to death. The “exaggeration” issue and the “experience” issue have been explored ad nauseam. By now, everything that could be said by or about the candidates has been said, and said and said. Or so one would think.
Fortunately for all you “undecideds” I have compiled a few additional tidbits of valuable information concerning the candidates, which might help you wishy-washy voters finally make up your minds. Believe it or not, there are still some aspects in the lives of these two men that have gone unexposed ... until now, that is.
Take a look at this list of “favorites” for example:
It may interest you to know that Bush gets up on the right side of the bed each day, and Gore gets up on the wrong side. While it’s true that both candidates use Crest toothpaste, Bush flosses with mint-flavored floss and Gore uses plain. Although he denies it, evidence exists that Gore does not replace the cap on the toothpaste tube when he’s finished. Bush, however, has an annoying habit of snoring with a twang. Bush jogs every morning, Gore lopes.
Bush sings in the shower, Gore crunches numbers.
That’s about all the details we’ve got on these guys, although you never know what will pop up between now and election day.
I trust that by this time I have given all you “undecideds” ample data from which you may now make an intelligent and informed decision on Tuesday. If not, then I’m sorry. I did my best. If you are still undecided by Tuesday, then by all means go to the polls anyway and vote for Bush. It’s the least you can do for me after all I’ve tried to do for you. Thank you.
Go to it,
JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.
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