Clicking on banner ads keeps JWR alive
Jewish World Review Nov. 3, 2000 / 5 Mar-Cheshvan 5761

Greg Crosby

Greg Crosby
JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
David Limbaugh
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Debbie Schlussel
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports

Read this before you vote -- AS THIS will be my last column before election day, it is my last chance to say something profound or witty regarding the presidential candidates. Whether I have ever been profound or witty up until now I will leave to my readers to debate, nevertheless, this column will be my final chance to comment on the presidential contest before the voting takes place on Tuesday.

By all accounts this will be the closest presidential election in many years. The “undecideds,” of which apparently there are still many, could very well make all the difference in the outcome of this race. Why in the world there would be so many “undecideds” at this late juncture, I have no idea.

For many months the policy issues of this campaign have been batted around by a wide variety of columnists, television pundits, partisan spinners, and experts of every stripe. The validity of the “character issue” has been talked to death. The “exaggeration” issue and the “experience” issue have been explored ad nauseam. By now, everything that could be said by or about the candidates has been said, and said and said. Or so one would think.

Fortunately for all you “undecideds” I have compiled a few additional tidbits of valuable information concerning the candidates, which might help you wishy-washy voters finally make up your minds. Believe it or not, there are still some aspects in the lives of these two men that have gone unexposed ... until now, that is.

Take a look at this list of “favorites” for example:

Bush Gore
Favorite color Blue Red
Favorite sandwich Hamburger Grilled Cheese
Favorite number Ten One Billion Thirteen Million
Favorite bathroom tissue Northern Charmin
Favorite President Lincoln Clinton
Favorite actor John Wayne Clinton
Favorite clown Bozo Honky
Favorite state Texas Any state but Tennessee
Favorite cereal Wheaties 100% All-Bran
Favorite car Mustang None
Favorite tree Oak Litchi
Favorite drink Bourbon Iced tea & White House Coffees
Favorite mustard Frenches Chinese

It may interest you to know that Bush gets up on the right side of the bed each day, and Gore gets up on the wrong side. While it’s true that both candidates use Crest toothpaste, Bush flosses with mint-flavored floss and Gore uses plain. Although he denies it, evidence exists that Gore does not replace the cap on the toothpaste tube when he’s finished. Bush, however, has an annoying habit of snoring with a twang. Bush jogs every morning, Gore lopes.

Bush sings in the shower, Gore crunches numbers.

That’s about all the details we’ve got on these guys, although you never know what will pop up between now and election day.

I trust that by this time I have given all you “undecideds” ample data from which you may now make an intelligent and informed decision on Tuesday. If not, then I’m sorry. I did my best. If you are still undecided by Tuesday, then by all means go to the polls anyway and vote for Bush. It’s the least you can do for me after all I’ve tried to do for you. Thank you.

Go to it, electorate.

JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.


10/27/00: Democratic Big Guns Shoot Blanks
10/20/00: Generation Duh
10/13/00: And the whiner is ...
10/06/00: The Vicious Hollywood Left
09/29/00: Pop Porn
09/22/00: Put On A Tie, Ya Bums!
09/15/00: A sneak peek at The William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library
09/08/00: The Big Mooseketeer
09/01/00: In Honor of Those Who Never Were
08/25/00: Building a Bridge to the Sixties
08/22/00: Leaks
08/18/00: Sour Grapes
08/11/00: But he’s Jewish!
08/04/00: Aint Nothin’ But A Hound Dog
07/27/00: Trick or Treat
07/21/00: Another Golden Moment In Broadcasting
07/14/00: Who eats this, ahem, 'stuff'?
07/07/00: In Your Face Advertising
06/29/00: My Home Sweet Home
06/23/00: Hairs The Thing
06/13/00: The Sweetest Sounds
06/02/00: Another Opening, Another Show
05/22/00: What's next, The Million Mutt March?
05/19/00: Hail the Conquering Hero
05/12/00: Extra! Read All About It!
05/03/00: Clinton’s Transparent Department of Duplicity and Demagoguery
04/24/00: For The Children?
04/19/00: Liars And Cowards And Bums, Oh My!
04/11/00: Gripe, Gripe, Gripe
04/05/00: Counting the Race Cards
03/30/00: Speed Bumps
03/22/00: The Eyes Have It
03/15/00: Academia and Media --- They’re Just Not Right
03/09/00: Sweat The Small Stuff -- It’s Okay
03/02/00: Actors And Other Animals
02/23/00: Campaign 2000 --- Wake Me When Its Over
02/15/00: Who Wants to be Regis Philbin?
02/08/00: Aftermath of a Tragedy
01/31/00: Ask Mr. Politically Correct Man
01/25/00: I’d Like To Thank All The Little People
01/20/00: Merger Mania
01/11/00: Just Say JA-GWAAR
01/04/00: Who Was That Masked Man? My Hero!
12/28/99: New Millennium --- New Rules
12/21/99: Bubba’s Visit From Saint Nick
12/14/99: Call Me Mister
12/08/99: So Much Going On, So Little Time
11/30/99: Sunday Afternoon
11/22/99: The Best Money Can’t Buy
11/15/99: My Peter Pan Generation
11/08/99: Fall Invasion
10/29/99: When my wife was young and Gay
10/22/99: Too Late for Dinner
10/15/99: Pondering, Musing and Supposing
10/05/99: A Message From Your Journalistic Human Interest Commentator
09/24/99: The Getting Away With It Decade
09/17/99: The Scoop of the Century
09/09/99: Important Millennium Advisory
09/03/99: Ask Mr. Politically Correct Man
08/26/99: Broadcasters, Please mind Your Manners
08/19/99: The Golden Age of Jerkdom
08/12/99: Dressing Down...and Out

© 2000, Greg Crosby