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Jewish World Review Sept. 15, 2000 / 14 Elul 5760

Greg Crosby

Greg Crosby
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Consumer Reports

A sneak peek at The William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library -- NEVER A MAN to miss an opportunity for fund-raising or self-aggrandizement, President Clinton took advantage of this summer’s Democratic National Convention in LA. to take care of some personal business -- hustling up bucks for his proposed Arkansas presidential library. Clinton’s on-going passion to establish a respectable presidential legacy for himself has now been manifested into what will certainly be the most expensive presidential library of any American president in history.

At a projected price of $125 million, the Clinton Library will easily out-spend the Carter, Nixon and Reagan libraries, which cost somewhere between $25 to $35 million each. Realizing just who it is we’re dealing with, it’s not at all surprising that Clinton is building a presidential library which will be bigger and more expensive than any other. In his mind he’s the best president this country has ever had (and if you don’t believe him, just ask Al Gore) so he must build a great memorial to himself, a presidential library to end all presidential libraries.

The real question is, what will be in this library? What can we expect to see when we visit the William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library/Museum/National Park and Memorial Parade Grounds in Little Rock? Perhaps one or more of the following items:

The Bill Clinton Dictionary of little known definitions -- including meanings of complicated words such as “is” and explanations for bewildering phrases such as “sexual intercourse.”

Bill’s personal record collection including the hits, “Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow,” “Tomorrow” from the musical “Annie,” and “Tomorrow Belongs to Me” from “The Sound of Music.” Also his all-time favorite tune, “Thank Heaven For Little Girls.”

One broken record of Tammy Wynette’s “Stand By Your Man.”

73 copies of Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass poetry books personally inscribed, “To Whom It May Concern ... With all my love, forever, Bill.”

The Bill Cllinton family bible (in mint condition - never opened)

Slightly used Saxophone with instruction book, “How to Play a Musical Instrument For All It’s Worth.”

Political psychology book, “How to Bite Your Bottom Lip, Crack Your Voice, and Feel Other’s Pain For All It’s Worth.”

Instructional book entitled, “How To Enjoy A Good Cigar Without Inhaling.”

Private collection of “Hee Haw” collectable drinking glasses from Burger King.

The Clinton Memorial Underwear Collection (divided into two categories: The Jockey Years and The Boxer Years)

Miscellaneous movie star autographs and photos including portrait of Martin Sheen signed, “From one acting prez to another -- your pal, Marty.”

Complete 12 CD collection of Barbra Streisand farewell concert performances.

Scale models of the Arkansas governor’s mansion and the White House actually built by Clintion from used McDonald Happy Meal, Krispy Kreme and Dominos Pizza boxes.

Personal notes taken during strategic policy conferences with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Collection of Monicagate apology speeches

Internal memo pads recalled because of the misprinted heading at the top, “Important Intern Memo From the President.”

Well-used “Wag The Dog” home video tape

Starbucks coffee cups and napkins left over from White House fund-raising events.

I understand that the funding committee for the library has not yet met it’s $125 million goal. So if you haven’t yet contributed your fair share to this worthwhile patriotic enterprise, there’s still time to get a check in the mail. Invest in the future of America and build a bridge to tomorrow. Support the William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library, Gas Station and Convenience Store today. Do it for the children.

JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.


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© 2000, Greg Crosby