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Jewish World Review April 12, 2001 / 19 Nissan, 5761

Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter
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Consumer Reports

Tell him there's a stopover in Bangkok -- I'M only disappointed that our servicemen are on their way home before the administration could implement the truly perfect solution. This one should be filed away for future reference.

As you are probably aware, Chinese President Jiang Zemin was demanding a fulsome apology from the United States for not stopping a Chinese plane from ramming an American plane.

Things were tense. As a China "specialist" who was quoted in The New York Times explained, Jiang had no choice but to take a hard line because he has "very diverse constituencies, and they all have to brought on board, both in the bureaucracy and in the public."

Or he could just shoot them.

By contrast, an American president really does have to respond to constituencies. By and large, Americans take a dim view of eating dogs, shooting students, and subjecting American servicemen to communist show trials until the American president agrees to hop on one foot dressed like a chicken. President Bush is hemmed in by peculiar American attitudes that demand proper treatment of American men and women, rather than execution in Tiananmen Square.

On one hand, it is totally humiliating for an American president to have to apologize to a 3-foot-tall dictator for his plane crashing into our plane. But on the other hand, short of all-out thermonuclear war, there was no other choice if we can't bear the idea of Americans being treated like the Chinese government treats its own people.

So this was my idea: Have President Clinton apologize. He'd get all weepy, bite his lower lip, ramble on and on and on -- the full Jimmy Swaggart routine. But at the same time, everyone would know he didn't mean it.

We could even have two separate tape reels, one short action shot for Jiang's "constituencies" and one with the outtakes for American viewers. Remember the footage of Clinton at Ron Brown's funeral? The full tape showed Clinton happily strolling along, smiling and laughing -- until he catches sight of a camera. Then he quickly hangs his head and pretends to wipe away a tear. It's a beautiful moment.

And now his country needs him. No other human so thoroughly lacks the capacity for embarrassment. (He's probably headed in China's direction right now on that Thai sex tour anyway.) Actually, we don't even need Clinton. That guy from "Saturday Night Live" could do it. Americans can barely tell the difference; the Chinese surely won't.

In lieu of the Jimmy Swaggart solution, I have Backup Auxiliary Offer No. 2, which I call the "win-win solution." But first, this one requires a little background.

In the last election, Bush won: the election, two recounts in Florida permitted by law, a third recount not permitted by law, and a count of all Florida absentee ballots -- before the U.S. Supreme Court finally said enough.

Now it turns out Bush also won every conceivable method of counting the Florida ballots concocted by The Miami Herald (which endorsed Gore) and USA Today (which did not endorse a presidential candidate) -- but one. Pursuant to this one single counting method -- which was not among the 17 methods requested by Al Gore or ordered by the Democratic Florida Supreme Court -- Gore might be three votes ahead of Bush. Literally, five months after the election, they think they've finally found a method of counting ballots that puts Gore three votes ahead.

Commenting on the media recounts that produced the exact same result as all the official tabulations, The New York Times stated: "They provide stark evidence of how imprecise our voting system is."

There is more important background information. In a classic Tax-Cuts-for-the-Rich expose, The New York Times began a story last week: "Carrie Villa of Helena, Mont. has a dream -- a house of her own on a nearby mountain." She thought she might "achieve her dream" when President Bush came through Montana recently, promoting his tax cut.

She'd "heard the president talk about a 'typical family' making $40,000 a year" and that "the Bush plan would return $1,600 to that family." Excitedly, she "took out a calculator and a tax form and did some numbers."

Sadly, her hopes were dashed. After working with the calculator for a while, "Ms. Villa discovered that the president's tax cut would not put a single extra dime in her pocket."

All that was on the front page, above the fold. You had to persevere to Page A-18 to find out that Ms. Villa doesn't pay any federal income tax. What was she doing with that calculator exactly? Hmmm, pay zero dollars in federal income tax now, so if my entire tax burden were reduced to zero under the Bush plan, I'd be up ... zero dollars! Let's run those numbers again.

Don't we have journalists in China? Next time let's make a trade. Give us the kids back and keep the Times reporters.

JWR contributor Ann Coulter is the author of High Crimes and Misdemeanors: The Case Against Bill Clinton. You may visit the Ann Coulter Fan Club by clicking here.


03/29/01: Racial profiling in university admissions
03/29/01: Bizarre political sect ousted from nomination process
03/22/01: The trillion-dollar loophole in 'campaign finance reform'
03/15/01: The liar is gone but the lying continues
03/08/01: More facts, fewer liberals
03/01/01: Mary Jo White-wash
02/22/01: How to talk to a liberal
02/15/01: Bill Clinton does the Harlem shuffle
02/08/01: Eight more Clarence Thomases
02/01/01: This just in: Price controls cause shortages
01/25/01: People United for Swindles and Hucksterism
01/18/01: Ashcroft and the blowhard discuss desegregation
01/04/01: Liberal pimps for Clintonism
01/02/01: Kwanzaa: Holiday from the FBI
12/28/00: If Americans support abortion, let's vote
12/26/00: Gore, him and her
12/21/00: Channeling Jackie O
12/14/00: My Court is bigger than your Court
12/11/00: HANG IN THERE, AL!
12/07/00: National Lampoon's Florida Supreme Court Vacation
12/04/00: It's past time for GOPers to quit being good at losing
11/30/00: Things only a Dem will say with a straight face
11/27/00: Certify the electors, then the judges
11/23/00: Kangaroo coup
11/20/00: This is what the Electoral College is supposed to prevent
11/16/00: The liar next time
11/09/00: JUST GO!
11/06/00: Hail Mary past
11/02/00: As the nose grows: The scripture according to Gore
10/30/00: Clinton sure can pick 'em
10/26/00: Gore's 'Nam flashbacks
10/23/00: Courting George Orwell
10/20/00: The three faces of Al
10/17/00: Must Christian conservatives be fascists?
10/13/00: Oil good; Dems bad
10/10/00: Al Gore: Serial fibber
10/06/00: Sigh of the crook
10/03/00: So who's the 'dumb guy' now?
09/29/00: Don't do drug legalization
09/26/00: I'd burn down my neighbor's house
09/22/00: Democrats worship the money shot
09/19/00: Other film footage we'd like to see
09/15/00: Bush can name the **^%*
09/12/00: The Supreme Court ratchet
09/08/00: Our mistake -- keep polluting
09/05/00: Bubba protects and serves
09/01/00: AlGore's 'going out of business!' tax plan
08/29/00: Bush's compassionate conservatism
08/25/00: Space alien tells funny jokes in bathtub
08/22/00: Dems view world only in black and white, not in color
08/18/00: Another Damascus Road conversion
08/15/00: The viagra cotillion
08/11/00: The hand-wringing Hamlet from Hartford
08/07/00: The Democratic party's white face
08/04/00: Hillary's potty mouth
08/01/00: The hole in the story
07/28/00: Cheney's detractors can't get their story straight
07/25/00: AlGore: Elmer Blandry
07/21/00: The tyranny of non-objectivity
07/18/00: The state's religion
07/14/00: Reform it back
07/11/00: Keating for veep
07/07/00: Gore invented 'Clueless'
07/04/00: The stupidity litmus test
06/30/00: O.J. was 'proved innocent' too
06/27/00: The last guys 'proved innocent'
06/23/00: Serious Republican candidates don't get serious press
06/19/00: They weren't overzealous this time
06/16/00: Evolution of the strumpet
06/13/00: Actual journalistic malpractice
06/09/00: I did not have sexual
relations with that ... man!
06/06/00: IRS turns Bubba's screw
05/30/00: Too corrupt to be an Arkansas lawyer
05/26/00: Choose liberalism
05/24/00: Violence against coherence
05/22/00: Developmentally disabled Republicans
05/16/00: For womb the bell tolls
05/12/00: Asylum from Georgetown
05/10/00: The truth is out there, even for the clueless
05/08/00: Barbie is a liberal Democrat
05/02/00: Moving the goalpost
04/28/00: The bastardization of justice
04/25/00: How Monica Lewinsky saved the constitution
04/24/00: It's sunny today, so we need gun control
04/19/00: No shadow of a doubt -- liberal women are worthless
04/14/00: It takes a Communist dictator to raise a child
04/11/00: The verdict is in on Hillary
04/07/00: Vast Concoctions III
04/04/00: 'Horrifying' free speech in New York
03/31/00: Check-Off Box For Pimp Suits
03/28/00: All the news that fits -- we print!
03/24/00: Net losses all around
03/20/00: To protect, serve --- and be spat on
03/16/00: Thank Heaven for the consigliere
03/13/00: Vast concoctions II
03/09/00: The bluebloods voted against you
03/07/00: The Tower of Babble
03/03/00: Vast concoction
03/02/00: Hillary's sartorial lies
02/28/00: You have to break a few eggs to make a joke
02/22/00: I've seen enough killing to support abortion
02/18/00: A liberal lynching
02/15/00: McCain and the flag
02/11/00: The Shakedown Express
02/08/00: To mock a mockingbird
02/05/00: Summing up Campaign 2000: 'Oh, puh-leeze!'
02/01/00: A Confederacy of Dunces
01/28/00: Dollar Bill's racist smear
01/24/00: How high is your freedom quotient?
01/21/00: Numismadness
01/18/00: How dare you attack my wife!
01/14/00: The Gore Buggernaut
01/10/00: The paradox of discrimination law

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