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Jewish World Review June 9, 2000 / 6 Sivan, 5760

Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter
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Consumer Reports

I did not have sexual
relations with that ... man! -- I WISH I had the sex life that Talk/Miramax Books author John Connolly fantasizes for me.

In the Clinton-era version of the Pentagon Papers case, cyberstud Matt Drudge has obtained a draft manuscript of Connolly's book on the sex lives of Clinton's critics. Miramax has evidently been funding Connolly's flights around the country, his stays at fancy hotels, and his hiring of at least one private investigator -- all to investigate the sex lives of various random individuals whose only common trait is that we probably didn't vote for Clinton.

On the basis of the excerpts about me, I'd just like to say I'm looking forward to owning Miramax if it ever publishes any of this. Among other things, Connolly accuses me of having trysts with "playboy" Geraldo Rivera at his "oceanfront retreat in New Jersey." ("Oh Geraldo," I moaned, "there is no protective function privilege!")

But the thing is, Geraldo is not like Clinton. --- From what I've heard of Geraldo's printed oeuvre, he brags about what Clinton lies about. Connolly inexplicably fails to account for the absence of published reports about my sexual tryst with Geraldo within 48 hours of its occurrence. (The sad truth is, my affair with Geraldo at his "oceanfront retreat" was compromised by the presence of my brother, Mrs. Rivera and several other guests.)

Everyone in Connolly's book who is not accused of having an affair with Geraldo is said to be gay, from Ken Starr to Justice Kennedy, Starr's staffers, various of the elves, and random Republicans having nothing to do with impeachment. (Who would have guessed that my association with Geraldo would end up saving my reputation?) In the Clintonian world, if no one's accused you of rape lately, you must be gay.

Connolly's theory apparently is that Starr hired several of Kennedy's clerks, and what the hell would a prosecutor want with a bunch of former Supreme Court clerks -- unless (!) there was some sick sexual game afoot ... QED.

Indeed, sex is Connolly's theory for all human interactions. After going on in unseemly detail about what in delicate society would be called my "figure," Connolly segues to my sexual tryst with Geraldo by stating "this fact has not been lost on TV personality and all-around playboy Geraldo Rivera." So basically anyone who has ever been alone with my breasts is either having sex with me or is gay. Starr hires Kennedy's clerks because they're gay. (I wonder what Connolly thinks Clinton got Buddy for?)

You have to say, Clinton has given the right wing a reputation for having extremely active sex lives. First Henry Hyde then Newt Gingrich, and now it turns out the rest of us are all gay (or are having an affair with Geraldo Rivera). On the basis of Connolly's book, conservatives should claim to represent the gay movement and start issuing a whole new set of demands.

The current position of Talk/Miramax Books is that this manuscript is a purloined draft of Connolly's book, not in final form. (Talk/Miramax is also threatening to sue the masterful Drudge -- but see the Pentagon Papers.) I'm afraid, however, that once they take out the libel and laughably false stories, Connolly doesn't have enough left over even for a short pamphlet -- and a pamphlet written by an illiterate moron at that. In his typically incomprehensible prose, Connolly calls me a "self-appointed political analyst." Do they give "political analyst" degrees somewhere I'm unaware of?

Even within the construct of his own lunatic fantasies, Connolly can't get his story straight. In one paragraph, he claims that I, along with Linda Tripp lawyer Jim Moody, wildly made duplicate copies of her tapes one night while having cocktails (and presumably sex with Geraldo Rivera). But then in the very next paragraph he describes how Moody later had to retrieve a tape from Starr's prosecutors (evidently on a break from their incessant sodomic practices) to play it for a Newsweek reporter.

I hate to break the flow right when I'm enjoying such a rich and exciting social life, but if we had this cache of duplicate Tripp tapes, then why did Moody need to get a tape back from Starr's office? (And perhaps more urgently: Why didn't I air-drop those duplicate tapes across America immediately -- as I can assure you I would have.)

Connolly may be the only man in America who doesn't know what really happened that night, which has been faithfully reported in, among other places, the Starr report, Michael Isikoff's book and various newspapers and magazines.

Michel Montaigne said, "He who has not a good memory should never take upon him the trade of lying." Connolly can't even remember what he wrote in the last sentence. You know -- the part just after I was moaning something about the inviolability of immunity agreements.

JWR contributor Ann Coulter is the author of High Crimes and Misdemeanors: The Case Against Bill Clinton.


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05/26/00: Choose liberalism
05/24/00: Violence against coherence
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05/16/00: For womb the bell tolls
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05/10/00: The truth is out there, even for the clueless
05/08/00: Barbie is a liberal Democrat
05/02/00: Moving the goalpost
04/28/00: The bastardization of justice
04/25/00: How Monica Lewinsky saved the constitution
04/24/00: It's sunny today, so we need gun control
04/19/00: No shadow of a doubt -- liberal women are worthless
04/14/00: It takes a Communist dictator to raise a child
04/11/00: The verdict is in on Hillary
04/07/00: Vast Concoctions III
04/04/00: 'Horrifying' free speech in New York
03/31/00: Campaign finance reform brings out worst in senators
03/28/00: All the news that fits -- we print!
03/24/00: Net losses all around
03/20/00: To protect, serve --- and be spat on
03/16/00: Thank Heaven for the consigliere
03/13/00: Vast concoctions II
03/09/00: The bluebloods voted against you
03/07/00: The Tower of Babble
03/03/00: Vast concoction
03/02/00: Hillary's sartorial lies
02/28/00: You have to break a few eggs to make a joke
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02/15/00: McCain and the flag
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02/08/00: To mock a mockingbird
02/05/00: Summing up Campaign 2000: 'Oh, puh-leeze!'
02/01/00: A Confederacy of Dunces
01/28/00: Dollar Bill's racist smear
01/24/00: How high is your freedom quotient?
01/21/00: Numismadness
01/18/00: How dare you attack my wife!
01/14/00: The Gore Buggernaut
01/10/00: The paradox of discrimination law

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