Jewish World Review June 9, 2000 / 6 Sivan, 5760
relations with that ... man!
http://www.jewishworldreview.com -- I WISH I had the sex life that Talk/Miramax Books author John Connolly fantasizes for me.
In the Clinton-era version of the Pentagon Papers case, cyberstud Matt Drudge has obtained a draft manuscript of Connolly's book on the sex lives of Clinton's critics. Miramax has evidently been funding Connolly's flights around the country, his stays at fancy hotels, and his hiring of at least one private investigator -- all to investigate the sex lives of various random individuals whose only common trait is that we probably didn't vote for Clinton.
On the basis of the excerpts about me, I'd just like to say I'm looking forward to owning Miramax if it ever publishes any of this. Among other things, Connolly accuses me of having trysts with "playboy" Geraldo Rivera at his "oceanfront retreat in New Jersey." ("Oh Geraldo," I moaned, "there is no protective function privilege!")
But the thing is, Geraldo is not like Clinton. --- From what I've heard of Geraldo's printed oeuvre, he brags about what Clinton lies about. Connolly inexplicably fails to account for the absence of published reports about my sexual tryst with Geraldo within 48 hours of its occurrence. (The sad truth is, my affair with Geraldo at his "oceanfront retreat" was compromised by the presence of my brother, Mrs. Rivera and several other guests.)
Everyone in Connolly's book who is not accused of having an affair with Geraldo is said to be gay, from Ken Starr to Justice Kennedy, Starr's staffers, various of the elves, and random Republicans having nothing to do with impeachment. (Who would have guessed that my association with Geraldo would end up saving my reputation?) In the Clintonian world, if no one's accused you of rape lately, you must be gay.
Connolly's theory apparently is that Starr hired several of Kennedy's clerks, and what the hell would a prosecutor want with a bunch of former Supreme Court clerks -- unless (!) there was some sick sexual game afoot ... QED.
Indeed, sex is Connolly's theory for all human interactions. After going on in unseemly detail about what in delicate society would be called my "figure," Connolly segues to my sexual tryst with Geraldo by stating "this fact has not been lost on TV personality and all-around playboy Geraldo Rivera." So basically anyone who has ever been alone with my breasts is either having sex with me or is gay. Starr hires Kennedy's clerks because they're gay. (I wonder what Connolly thinks Clinton got Buddy for?)
You have to say, Clinton has given the right wing a reputation for having extremely active sex lives. First Henry Hyde then Newt Gingrich, and now it turns out the rest of us are all gay (or are having an affair with Geraldo Rivera). On the basis of Connolly's book, conservatives should claim to represent the gay movement and start issuing a whole new set of demands.
The current position of Talk/Miramax Books is that this manuscript is a purloined draft of Connolly's book, not in final form. (Talk/Miramax is also threatening to sue the masterful Drudge -- but see the Pentagon Papers.) I'm afraid, however, that once they take out the libel and laughably false stories, Connolly doesn't have enough left over even for a short pamphlet -- and a pamphlet written by an illiterate moron at that. In his typically incomprehensible prose, Connolly calls me a "self-appointed political analyst." Do they give "political analyst" degrees somewhere I'm unaware of?
Even within the construct of his own lunatic fantasies, Connolly can't get his story straight. In one paragraph, he claims that I, along with Linda Tripp lawyer Jim Moody, wildly made duplicate copies of her tapes one night while having cocktails (and presumably sex with Geraldo Rivera). But then in the very next paragraph he describes how Moody later had to retrieve a tape from Starr's prosecutors (evidently on a break from their incessant sodomic practices) to play it for a Newsweek reporter.
I hate to break the flow right when I'm enjoying such a rich and exciting social life, but if we had this cache of duplicate Tripp tapes, then why did Moody need to get a tape back from Starr's office? (And perhaps more urgently: Why didn't I air-drop those duplicate tapes across America immediately -- as I can assure you I would have.)
Connolly may be the only man in America who doesn't know what really happened that night, which has been faithfully reported in, among other places, the Starr report, Michael Isikoff's book and various newspapers and magazines.
Michel Montaigne said, "He who has not a good memory should never take upon him the trade
of lying." Connolly can't even remember what he wrote in the last sentence. You know -- the
part just after I was moaning something about the inviolability of immunity
JWR contributor Ann Coulter is the author of High Crimes and Misdemeanors: The Case Against Bill Clinton.
06/06/00: IRS turns Bubba's screw