Jewish World Review August 28, 2003 / 30 Menachem-Av, 5763

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Congress Makes Law Establishing Religion

http://www.jewishworldreview.com | Both houses of the U.S. Congress today passed a law establishing an official religion for the nation.

The new religion suggests that adherents acknowledge a generic deity during certain public ceremonies like political speeches and ball games. Worship will consist of moments of silence, singing of an Irving Berlin show tune and pronouncing blessings upon people who sneeze.

The Bible can be used in some circumstances, but may not be read. Collection of "the offering" will be handled through the Internal Revenue Service, and charity work will be carried out by various government agencies.

"The core values of the faith are tolerance, and self-determination," said an unnamed Congressional aide who helped to draft the legislation. "If the doctrine were boiled down to one sentence it would be: G-d helps those who help themselves, so do anything you want as long as it doesn't bother anyone else."

Under the new law, anyone born in the United States may claim to be part of the official religion. Others will have to complete the appropriate paperwork first. The religion is expected to have little impact on business, government or other aspects of everyday American life.

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JWR contributor Scott Ott publishes the satirical website ScrappleFace.com, whose motto is "News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher." Comment by clicking here.

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© 2003, Scott Ott