Jewish World Review March 24, 2003 / 20 Adar II, 5763


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Consumer Reports

Decapitation attack on 'peace movement' succeeds | U.S. officials don't know when, or how it happened, but intelligence in the field indicates that an apparent 'decapitation attack' on the peace movement succeeded.

"The anti-Bush protestors are wandering about in clusters, shouting a variety of unrelated messages," said an unnamed Pentagon source. "It's clear that there is no cohesive leadership. The protestors look bedraggled and confused. We don't know when the decapitation attack happened, or who did it. Frankly, we've just been ignoring them and moving on to our objectives."

A spokesman for protestors in San Francisco rejected the Pentagon assertion.

"We're focused and determined to stop this war for oil and let the Iraqi people run their own democracy," the spokesman said.

"And we must seek justice for gays and do a re-count of the 2000 presidential election ballots and let women choose abortions and Bush is worse than Saddam and we still haven't captured bin Laden and what about North Korean nukes and world opinion is against us and get Israel out of Palestine and force the U.S. to obey Jacques Chirac and Kofi Annan, and...did I leave anything out? But anyway, that's our purpose and we will never waver...and, remember, all these protests are spontaneous. The next one is scheduled for tomorrow night at seven."

JWR contributor Scott Ott publishes the satirical website, whose motto is "News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher." Comment by clicking here.


03/20/03: Gulf War, a golf war? U.S. presses to end war before Masters Tourney
03/19/03: France proposes using metric hours for ultimatum
03/18/03: Airport screeners halt Hussein exodus
03/17/03: Encryption experts work to decipher Kaptur comment
03/14/03: U.S. to Return Statue of Liberty to France
03/13/03: CIA Leaks Again: Shhh! Don't tell bin Laden
03/12/03: "We're damaging these homes and vehicles as a form of political speech"
03/11/03: Bush caves in to Russian and French veto
03/07/03: Speechless: U.N. delegates await translation of Bush remarks
03/06/03: Moseley-Braun Drops Hyphen, Hopes for Sponsor Deal
03/05/03: Bush Admits to Belafonte's 'Possessed of Evil' Charge
03/04/03: Powell continues 'saber rattling' in Pakistan interview
03/03/03: Daschle demands release of top al Qaeda operative
02/28/03: Rather to interview prez on same terms as Saddam
02/27/03: U.S. accepts Saddam's latest proposal
02/26/03: 'Win Without War' releases new talking points
02/25/03: Blix orders Iraq to destroy 'human shields'
02/24/03: Secret U.S. Plan for Cyber-War to Feature Windows XP
02/21/03: Gephardt insists he's really running for President
02/20/03: French President changes name to 'Chiraq'
02/19/03: Chirac offers new EU members 'Freedom of Silence'
02/18/03: Meteorologist Fired for "Positive" Snow Report

© 2003, Scott Ott