Jewish World Review March 9, 2004 / 16 Adar, 5764

Ian Shoales

Ian Shoales
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NASCAR Dad and other societal figments | A new fictitious adult has sprung into virtual being. He is called "Nascar dad," and he joins Soccer mom, office park dad, the gay community, redneck, Joe Six Pack, the silent majority, and the metrosexual in the vast pantheon of imaginary beings before whom pollsters kowtow and advertisers get the vapors.

He might deny it, but I suspect it was in pursuit of the vote of the bright elusive butterfly called the Nascar Dad that President Bush showed up at the Daytona 500 this year. At any rate, he got to put on a racing jacket and say, "Gentlemen, start your engines." I would not deny that presidential perq to anyone.

But what is a Nascar Dad? Is he kind of an amalgam of Joe Six Pack, yokel, yahoo, sports fan, redneck, metrosexual, and armchair general? Is he a shy, retiring guy who just happens to enjoy watching fast noisy machines go around in circles?

And what about the neglected demographics out there? Weekend quarterbacks, back seat drivers, duffers, long time companions, sob sisters, feminazis, couch potatoes, lolly gaggers, gandy dancers, goldbricks, gold diggers, and reclusive tycoons?

Or what about urban youth, Norwegian bachelor farmers, Born Agains, agnostics, atheists, libertarian receptionists, Balkanized bureaucrats, Generation Ex, Generation Y, the Boomers, hippies, yuppies, yippies, and tech support. Where are they? Who's grooming them for stardom?

Market analysts, psychoanalysts, systems analysts, Vegans, Las Vegas show girls, and owners of short haired dogs, Deadheads, left handed softball players, former addicts, Viet Nam veterans, Mensa members, and divorcees who choose to dress like Britney. Who wants their vote?

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Don't forget SUV dealers, bald men who want to buy a Humvee but don't have the nerve, women in Birkenstocks embarrassed to own a Volvo, gearheads, geeks, and guys who dress like Darth Vadar at Star Wars Conventions. Lesbians who love Xena, gay guys with no fashion sense, pastry lovers, bicyclists, sushi chefs, babes who got the blues, hicks and hipsters, hotheads and cold fish, dudes and dudettes, coal miners, daughters, hip hoppers, airheads, brainiacs, and wacky neighbors. They vote too.

As do Homies, Baldwins, boy toys, girl groups, cheese heads, dweebs, gomers, gang bangers, gumps, golf clappers, greenskeepers, and Greens.

And puck bunnies, hotties, foodies, wannabes, hasbeens, hopefuls, stoners, sex workers, the politically correct, the A-list, Johnny-Come-Latelies, pundits, plutocrats, pontificators, and the ponderous.

All are sadly underrepresented. Politicians ignore them at their peril. And what about the soccer mom herself? Is she just yesterday's darling, courted and abandoned? Remember: hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. If I've learned anything in life, I've learned that much.

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JWR contributor Ian Shoales is the author of, among others, Not Wet Yet: An Anthology of Commentary. Comment by clicking here.


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09/25/02: "Up and comers," go away!
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12/11/01: KNITTING!
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09/11/01: The end of Mom
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08/23/01: Radio workout
08/20/01: I robot, you Jane
08/15/01: A wild and crazy world!
08/10/01: When the future was "as real as a dime"
08/08/01: Garage Dearth!
08/06/01: That Big Clock
08/02/01: Stop the pop!
07/31/01: Catchphrase history of the world
07/26/01: The Bride of Science
07/23/01: That java jive
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07/13/01: Applying Newton's First Law of Physics to textbooks
07/10/01: The dumb and the dead

© 2003, Ian Shoales