Jewish World Review Oct. 29, 2001 / 12 Mar-Cheshvan, 5762

Ian Shoales

Ian Shoales
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Consumer Reports

Even in wartime, America can still bring it home -- I DON'T know about you, but lately I've been jumpy as a caffeinated kangaroo.

It's this whole white powder thing. I see it everywhere.

I've stopped baking my own bread --- the flour freaks me out, you know?

I stopped washing my clothes, stopped skiing, stopped doing cocaine-- it just made me jumpy, you know?.

I threw away my salt shakers.

Scholl's foot powder-- sorry Doc, you are recycled.

Luckily, I don't have dandruff. If I did every time I shook my head in dismay, which happens with surprising frequency, I'd flip myself out.

Luckily, an email landed in my inbox the other day. It read "Protect Yourself From Anthrax," followed by not one but two exclamation marks. "Get Cipro NOW," now in caps, followed by THREE exclamation marks. "Gas Masks," I was informed, "also available."

Whee doggies. Yes, I could order Cipro direct from my computer at "No Inconvenience or embarrassment to me." I don't know what would be embarrassing about ordering Cipro, exactly, but I'm glad that I would be spared whatever hypothetical blush might occur. Ordering Cipro through my computer. Gee, it would be just like the good old dotcom days, remember? Groceries, pet food, candy bars --- everything right there on the Internet.

Well, not only is Cipro available without embarrassment, this email promised me that I could order Viagra, Celebrex, Propecia, Xenical, Zyban, Renova. So I can improve my love life, get relief from pain, lose weight, stop smoking, increase collagen levels in those areas where applied, get a gas mask, and protection from stray flying baking soda-- all at one web site.

I'm telling you, even in wartime, America can still bring it home.

JWR contributor Ian Shoales is the author of, among others, Not Wet Yet: An Anthology of Commentary. Comment by clicking here.


10/25/01: Ad memories
10/17/01: Pathetic me
10/08/01: War time lite
10/01/01: Confessions of a sarcastic scribe
09/11/01: The end of Mom
09/07/01: Boy Loses Girl, Boy Bites Girl, Boy Gets Girl
09/05/01: Virtual elegance?
08/28/01: Buzz!
08/23/01: Radio workout
08/20/01: I robot, you Jane
08/15/01: A wild and crazy world!
08/10/01: When the future was "as real as a dime"
08/08/01: Garage Dearth!
08/06/01: That Big Clock
08/02/01: Stop the pop!
07/31/01: Catchphrase history of the world
07/26/01: The Bride of Science
07/23/01: That java jive
07/17/01: Homogenized hegemony
07/13/01: Applying Newton's First Law of Physics to textbooks
07/10/01: The dumb and the dead

© 2001, Ian Shoales