Jewish World Review Oct. 29, 2001 / 12 Mar-Cheshvan, 5762
It's this whole white powder thing. I see it everywhere.
I've stopped baking my own bread --- the flour freaks me out, you know?
I stopped washing my clothes, stopped skiing, stopped doing cocaine-- it just made me jumpy, you know?.
I threw away my salt shakers.
Scholl's foot powder-- sorry Doc, you are recycled.
Luckily, I don't have dandruff. If I did every time I shook my head in dismay, which happens with surprising frequency, I'd flip myself out.
Luckily, an email landed in my inbox the other day. It read "Protect Yourself From Anthrax," followed by not one but two exclamation marks. "Get Cipro NOW," now in caps, followed by THREE exclamation marks. "Gas Masks," I was informed, "also available."
Whee doggies. Yes, I could order Cipro direct from my computer at "No Inconvenience or embarrassment to me." I don't know what would be embarrassing about ordering Cipro, exactly, but I'm glad that I would be spared whatever hypothetical blush might occur. Ordering Cipro through my computer. Gee, it would be just like the good old dotcom days, remember? Groceries, pet food, candy bars --- everything right there on the Internet.
Well, not only is Cipro available without embarrassment, this email promised me that I could order Viagra, Celebrex, Propecia, Xenical, Zyban, Renova. So I can improve my love life, get relief from pain, lose weight, stop smoking, increase collagen levels in those areas where applied, get a gas mask, and protection from stray flying baking soda-- all at one web site.
I'm telling you, even in wartime, America can still bring it
10/25/01: Ad memories