Jewish World Review June 25, 2003 / 25 Sivan, 5763

Ian Shoales

Ian Shoales
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Consumer Reports

TCB, KFC


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | PETA -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals -- is on a tear this year.

In January, it launched a campaign against KFC, giving it the nickname Kentucky Fried Cruelty, and accusing the fast food chain of cruelty to chickens. It urged KFC, for one thing, to kill chickens using gas rather than a knife, and give the poor doomed poultry more room to roam while they live.

All of this is well and good, but PETA certainly overreached when it made the claim in the campaign that "chickens are thought to be at least as intelligent as dogs or cats."

I have been around dogs, cats, and chickens, and I can state with assurance that chickens may be smarter than turkeys, say, they are still dumber than a bag of hammers. And they certainly taste better than cats. Or so I imagine.

Then in April, the wily zealots of PETA, approached Hamburg, New York and urged them to change the name of their town to Veggieburg. Hamburg superviser Patrick Hoacke declined the suggestion, saying, "We're proud of our name, and proud of our heritage."

That heritage is: Hamburg claims to be the birthplace of the hamburger, which is pretty thin gruel for a heritage in my opinion, not quite in the league of "George Washington Slept Here," or "Birthplace of the blimp."

But be that as it may, there's a certain amount of illogic in PETA's request. The hamburger was named for the town, after all, not the other way around. Next thing you know they're be going after the Earl of Sandwich heirs to get them to change their name to Salad Bar. Big fuzzy sideburns will no longer be called mutton chops. And if you're embarrassed by an inappropriate gesture or remark you've made, the last thing you'll be is sheepish, not if PETA has its way.

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And even if Hamburg does change its name to Veggieburg, I suspect its residents will still enjoy a pattie melt from time to time.

On the other hand, if all it takes is a name change to make everything better, I see a way in which KFC could still keep its initials. Repeat after me: I hereby declare that chickens are now carrots.

Just like that, problem solved.

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JWR contributor Ian Shoales is the author of, among others, Not Wet Yet: An Anthology of Commentary. Comment by clicking here.

Up

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© 2001, Ian Shoales