Ask Wendy

Jewish World Review Dec. 21, 2001/ 6 Teves 5762


'Brownie points' for the Creator; I love my husband, but not his family; open-door policy needs to be closed sometimes


By Wendy Belzberg

http://www.jewishworldreview.com -- A few weeks ago my husband and I stopped in the pouring rain to help a woman and her sister whose car had broken down. After we had jump-started their car and then waited to make sure their battery was recharged one of them insisted on writing us a check for our help. My husband thinks I'm goofy but I think cashing the check would be like letting someone pay for his own birthday gift. I helped them because it was the right thing to do, not for brownie points with G-d and certainly not for money.

A: What's your question? The situation you describe is a win-win: Everyone did the right thing. The people who you helped were only doing what they felt was right by rewarding you for your kindness and selflessness. Two qualities, I would add, that are not in as great supply as you may think. Now it is for you to decide if you choose to cash the check. Your good deed is not cheapened in any way if you do. Like the stranded motorists, you must decide what feels right to you.

Don't confuse this even-handed response with my candid one. I agree with you. You did something lovely. Why cheapen it with an exchange of money.

Q: I love my husband but I don't love his family. Even if they were not hawks when it comes to Israeli politics, even if they were not religious, I still don't think we would have anything in common. My husband is close to his family and I encourage him to spend as much time with them as he wants. Without me. He believes that I should get over it and make more of an effort.

A: Your in-laws and you adore the same man: if that doesn't count as something in common, what does?

You are no longer in college where it's acceptable to go off with your friends while your boyfriend goes off with his. While you and your husband needn't be connected at the hip, a certain amount of respect for each other's families is in order. If your husband wants you to have dinner with his parents ever night then you are right to rebel; if he is asking you to have brunch with his folks every other week, he is not asking too much. Don't make your husband choose between you and his family. You may be surprised by how this one resolves itself once you begin to make an effort.

Finally, I suspect that you do not yet have children and that once you do you will discover what many daughter's in-law already know: your feelings about your in-laws are unimportant, given your children's affections. Even if your in-laws favored the expulsion of every Israeli Arab in East Jerusalem, you might look the other way if they are doting grandparents.

I am a transplanted American living in Israel. It is customary here for neighborhood children to visit their friends without prearranged plans or prior warning. While it is refreshing to live in a community where no one stands on ceremony, my daughter's friends often show up just as she is settling down to do her homework, or when my husband and I are having a quiet moment with our children. Speaking to the friends' parents has not helped, as these impromptu visits are the norm. Is there a way to firmly explain my point of view without turning my children into neighborhood outcasts?

A: Perhaps your Hebrew is not as good as you thought. Or maybe your neighbors' English is rustier than it sounds.

Take one more pass with the parents before restricting their children. You may want to have a set schedule so it is not confusing for anyone involved: three times a week, say, there is an open-door policy. On those days, your daughter does her homework at school before coming home. (You may want to post a schedule on the front door and remind the neighborhood children to read it before ringing.) You might also tell your daughter's friends that she will catch up with them at their homes after her homework is done.

If none of the above works, it may be time to surrender to the dominant culture: When in Israel do as the Israelis.



Ask Wendy a question -- any question --- by clicking here.


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© 2001, Wendy Belzberg