When a child takes religion seriously, marriage obsession, and guests who just don't get it
By Wendy Belzberg
http://www.jewishworldreview.com --
My husband and I are Zionists and encouraged our 16-year-old son to spend a
month on a Kibbutz. While he was in Israel he met a group of yeshiva
students, began studying about Judaism and now wants to keep a kosher home.
We don't eat pork, and we agreed not to bring shellfish or non-kosher meat
into the house. But he wants us to buy all new dishes-2 sets-all new pots and
pans and even replace our dishwasher. I'm inclined to tell him to live with
our compromise for a year until he goes off to college when he can keep his
own kitchen. What do you think?
--Am I still my kid's mom? You are the ones who sent him off to Israel to discover his roots. Your
son just dug a little deeper than you planned or hoped.
Your son did not join a cult, he discovered Judaism. I am sympathetic to
the expense, the inconvenience, the perceived zealotry and the Sunday nights
without Chinese food. But respecting your son's religious beliefs is more
important than forcing him to respect your house rules and compromise.
Your son's transformation does not mean you can't eat treif off a
separate set of dishes as long as you are vigilant about keeping them
separate. Once he goes off to college you can go back to the way things were.
(For the record, you don't have to get a whole new dishwasher. You only
have to replace the racks.)
* * * Do you think it would be immoral of my husband and me to ask our relatives to
get a hotel room for future visits? --Struggling Sounds like the last visit didn't go so well. Not only is your idea not
immoral, it may be a matter of self-preservation. Shalom bayis (peace at
home) and houseguests--particularly when they are relatives--seldom fit in
the same sentence. Did they rearrange the furniture while you were at work,
offer unsolicited marital or career advice over breakfast, or spend the
entire visit dredging up family memories and long-gone relatives?
Did you and your mate find yourselves reverting to childhood behaviors
and loyalties, were you infantilized, did you uncover repressed memories that
were better left repressed?
Perhaps none of the above ever happened and I'm just projecting my own
memories of past family visits on to you. Sharing space with your own mate
can sometimes be a challenge, but it is not optional; sharing space with your
extended family is optional so, if it doesn't work, don't do it.
* * * Why does so much of Jewish social culture center on marriage? It seems that
every Jew I know in my hometown of Chicago has a preoccupation with getting
married. Every Jewish event, no matter who the sponsor (JUF, Haddasah,
Vanguard, etc) seems to focus on "finding true love." Fifty percent of all
marriages end in divorce (I don't know the Jewish divorce rate): marriage is
clearly not all it is cracked up to be. I find my friends' and the
community's preoccupation with marriage so disturbing that I am seriously
considering no longer hanging around my fellow Jews.
--Disturbed Adam and Eve and their Torah progeny led the charge in dating, mating
and procreating long before the first Jew immigrated to America and Chicago
became the windy city. I'm afraid you give your community too much credit.
The desire to marry is not religion-specific and the Jewish community
does not have a monopoly on singles events. The only thing your community may
be guilty of is trying to reduce the intermarriage rate in this country and
for that, let them be praised not vilified.
Stepping between the lines of your question, let me add that your problem
seems not to be with your fellow Jews, but with marriage. If you believe
marriage is not all it's cracked up to be, don't get married. But don't
condemn, or worse, desert your friends for making a different
07/14/00: Divorcing brother-in-law, uncampy kids, and a dot.comer who makes it big time
07/07/00: Hypocrites, reality checks, and the 'real estate challenged'