'Fessing up to granny about abandoning one's people, non-kosher sis-in-law, and 'my niece is marrying a loser'
By Wendy Belzberg
http://www.jewishworldreview.com --
I am getting married to a woman I have been dating for a little over a year
who makes me very happy. I have told everyone in my family except for my 92
year-old grandmother that my fiancée is not Jewish. My aunt is insisting that
I tell my grandmother the truth before we get married, or she will. I don't
see any reason to upset my grandmother. What do you say?
To your aunt I say: One word out of you and you're banished-not just from the
wedding, but also from the family. Bullies and tattle-tales do not make nice
playmates. They should be confined to their own backyards.
To you I say: Who are you protecting, your grandmother or yourself? Are you
afraid of what the news will do to her or of how it will effect her esteem
for you? You may choose to omit certain facts about your fiancée's birth, but
if your grandmother asks outright you must tell the truth. If you are not
prepared to defend your position before a 92 year-old woman, perhaps you
haven't thought this intermarriage thing through. But don't fool yourself: If
she doesn't ask, that means she probably already knows. And you don't need me
to tell you what she's thinking--she is very disappointed in you.
* * *
No, there is no nice way to say that you don't trust someone's standards of
kashrut and that you will not eat in their home. There is a truthful
explanation, however, which you should offer. (It would help if you could
point to examples of items in her pantry that she chooses to buy but that you
would not. While pork chops and cheeseburgers are a universal no-no, there
are legitimate disagreements about what constitutes adequate rabbinical
supervision.) Whatever words you choose, serve up the truth right from the
start. Isn't it better to be thought a religious extremist than a snobby
sister-in-law?
* * *
Will this be the first "silent statement " you've made or have you made
others? (Silent communication can be tricky if you actually intend your
message to be heard.) If you have never before sat down with your niece and
told her your concerns (read: horror) about her choice of a mate, now is not
the time to make your point.
If you have, and she is getting married anyway, she has chosen not to listen.
If you feel you must reiterate your concerns before you can attend the
wedding in good conscience, you may do so. Gently. If she still wants you at
her wedding, put on your dancing shoes. Don't flatter yourselves: Boycotting
this wedding will have no impact on the success or longevity of the marriage.
It will, however, have a powerful impact on your relationship with your
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