Ask Wendy

Jewish World Review Oct. 19, 2001/ 2 Mar-Cheshvan 5762


Outside world hits home; money and mommies


By Wendy Belzberg

http://www.jewishworldreview.com -- In the past several weeks, my husband has decided to pursue a new career. He says he doesn't know what he wants to do but that he needs to make a change - now. We have two small children and no financial cushion. He began talking this way after the bombing of the World Trade Center. I feel as if his sudden change in plans has more to do with the outside world than with our personal lives.

A: Your husband may be having a traumatic reaction to this new world we are all struggling to define. I would encourage him to take his time before making a life change, however desperate he may feel. He may also want to consult a mental health expert, a business analyst or both before making such a major decision.

On the other hand, irrational times call for irrational measures. The recent tragedy may have given your husband the push he needed to see his life in perfect focus. He may be waking to the reality that life is short and unpredictable. If such a realization does not make one rethink priorities and life choices, then whatever small "lesson" may have been gleaned from this huge disaster is lost - on all of us. It may be that your husband has intuited a lesson we should all learn about what is essential and what is not.

My sister and I are best friends. We are both happily married to men whom we love and respect, and we each have two children. My sister's husband is a successful businessman and makes a lot of money. My husband is a teacher. We cannot afford to buy our children everything we would like them to have. My sister often shows up with beautiful clothing and extravagant toys that my husband and I would not be able to afford. I do not have a problem with this. My husband, however, feels he is being slighted and criticized.

A: Money has come to represent success, power and entitlement in our society, and it can be as complicated for the "haves" as it is for the "have-nots." Add a male ego to the stew, and it's easy to see how the pot might boil over.

This is not an argument about your sister's largesse, your husband's ego or your imperative to provide designer clothes and toys for your children. The only thing that matters is your children. Is there enough food for them to eat? Are they dressed respectably? Do they know they are loved? Is there enough stimulation in the house to spark their imaginations and creativity? If so, your husband is more than adequately providing for their needs. But if extravagant clothes and toys for your children are that important to you, you may want to consider becoming a two-income household.

Teaching your children that their happiness is not dependent on money is one of the greatest gifts you can bestow on your children - not to mention the importance of living within one's means. You and your husband are not charity cases. Birthdays and holidays provide opportunity enough for your sister to lavish her nieces and nephews with extravagant gifts. The rest of the year is off-limits, and you should say so.


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© 2001, Wendy Belzberg